David Van

‘If the Van’s a-rocking, it’s coz imma cocking’.
– Senator David Van, in his maiden speech to parliament, April 1, 2018

David Van is an independent Senator for Victoria and a former Liberal Party Senator forced to resign from the party after multiple allegations of sexual misconduct.

A spin doctor before entering parliament in 2019, Van proved a perfect fit for the Liberal Party of Australia – apart from being afflicted by virulent narcissism, Van is also, allegedly, a dirty old man.

He was investigated by the Australian Defence Force in June 2021 amid allegations of inappropriate conduct on a Defence trip; then he was sanctioned by a “disappointed” prime minister in November 2021 for apparently making “growling and dog noises” at Senator Jacqui Lambie while in chamber; then he was accused of sexual assault by independent senator Lydia Thorpe in 2023; and also accused of sexual assault by former Liberal senator Amanda Stoker, related to an incident in 2020.

Van denies any of the misconduct, of course, but even so resigned from the Liberal Party room to sit as an independent. But that reportedly hasn’t entirely mended his ways – there’s also more recent allegations from December 2023 that Van is still to his old tricks… although in Van’s defence, the reporting is a joint piece by Fairfax-A Current Affair so, you know, it’s probably complete crap.

Either way, his best pick-up line for young women in bars remains ‘If the Van’s a-rocking, it’s coz imma cocking’. And despite false teeth and signs of dementia, the 60-something-year-old David lists his hobbies as “putting my penis in things, and lifting weights, but not using my arms… wink wink”. He also enjoys receiving a This Is Not A Greeting Card! from New Matilda readers.

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