Elon Musk Settles Global Penis Debate: His Is The Biggest And Baddest In The Whole Wide World


Well, one of the longest running debates in history has been settled, and in spectacular fashion, at precisely the venue you might expect.

It’s official: Elon Musk, the world’s richest man and the owner of ‘X’, formerly known as Twitter, has the biggest, baddest penis on the planet.

And if not that, then certainly a very mean, very significant penis. And if not that, then it’s definitely larger and angrier and tougher than your average penis.

And if not that then… look, the man is packing mucho calor, okay?

Yesterday, Musk used his Twitter account to let his 158.4 million followers know that he’s not at all, not in the least, not even one tiny bit, self-conscious about the size of the world’s wealthiest ‘old fella’.


That there is a Barrett M82 .50 calibre recoil-operated, semi-automatic anti-materiel rifle. Colour? Black. Just like badass Elon’s clothing, which is also all black, including black jeans, black t-shirt, and black headphones (to protect the world’s richest ears).

In other news, Musk, who was born in South Africa and emigrated to the US in 2002, complains that immigration to the US is out of control.

He also reveals that “Newspapers basically just report on what they read yesterday on X”. He added an “lmao” (which means ‘laugh my (enormous)-ass-(penis)-off) in order to ensure the statement didn’t go over the heads of any 12-year-old internet bros, who make up the majority of Musk’s fan base.

Which if you think about it is true… Musk’s big penis tweet was posted yesterday. We’re just bringing it to you now. Touché Elon The Massive, touché.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.