The Best Thing On The Internet is a regular column in the newly re-launched New Matilda magazine.
Never in the history of the spoken word – or the internet for that matter – did we ever imagine that the following words would be jumbled together, and uttered as a sentence. And yet….
“I am shameless. I am fearless. I am doubtless. Because fear in the present moment is fear. Fear in the past is shame. Fear in the future is doubt. So when you cup another dude’s nuts, you’re sending good vibrations, good chi, spiralling up and back down the front of each testicle.”
And then there’s this: “They’re your batteries. So when you focus on your testicles, you’re literally charging your batteries. And of course, you’re probably the first guy in your family lineage whose doing shit like this for hundreds of years. So of course the fear is going to come up.”
I’m worried that I’m not the first guy in my family line… but regardless, introducing Canadian Will Blunderfield, men’s wellness coach, ‘sexual Kung Fu teacher’, and the latest subject of Channel 5 with Andrew Callaghan… a Youtube journalism channel featuring the work of Callaghan. It’s basically ‘Louis Theroux meets Hunter S Thompson’. It’s also unarguably, one of The Best Things On The Internet.
While you might think Blunderfield is a stooge, and the whole story is a spoof, it’s not. It’s very, very real. This 20-minute masterpiece of film-making includes dozens of statements and phrases that must be true, because no-one could reasonably make them up. They include:
“You basically cup the nuts, and you appreciate the nuts. Can you kind of feel the reiki energy leaving my palm chakra into your ball sack? Yeah?”
And this: “…We communicate subtly through the pelvic consciousness. I call it the testiculum. Kind of like the mycelium network in the forest.”
My favourite quote is this one: “You’re basically blessing your nuts for the upliftment of all of humanity. And you’re increasing the frequency of the mini brain of your gonads by smiling and growling Into them. Ahhhh. You can do this while you’re having sex with a woman.”
You can, but the really big question is whether or not you should? Either way, there you have it lads… the information people like Nina Funnell and Clem Ford and other Australian feminists have been trying, successfully, to keep from us until now.
We don’t want to ruin anymore of the punchlines, but rest assured, there’s another 100 or so of them. And just when you think the story couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Callaghan delivers. Which is a good reason to stick out till the end, for a surprise twist worthy of the whole project.
Five stars. And a bonus star because Will Blunderfield is almost certainly Isaac Butterfield’s long lost and equally unintentionally funny twin brother.
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