Alex Turnbull Horrified To Learn PM Who Sabotaged Climate Action For Past 3 Years Is His Father


Liam McLoughlin reports from East Sydney Private Hospital, where Alex Turnbull is reported to be suffering one of the worst recorded cases of cognitive dissonance in medical history.

There are serious concerns for the mental health of Alex Turnbull this morning after finding out that the man who said “if anyone had a vested interest in showing you that you could do really smart, clean things with coal, it’s us” is his father.

Alex opened an email from a concerned citizen at 6:30am this morning to find this list of heinous environmental actions carried out by the former Prime Minister.

  1. Approves Carmichael Coal Mine16 October 2015
  2. Environment Minister Greg Hunt claims selling India Australian coal will cut carbon emissions10 Dec 2015
  3. Approves Abbot Point Coal Terminal expansion22 December 2015
  4. Presides over a drop in Australia’s ranking on the Environmental Performance Index of 10 places28 January 2016
  5. Approves logging in Murray Valley National Park – 28 February 2016
  6. Tries to loan Adani $1 billion to build a railway link to the Carmichael mine and promises to “fix” native title problems11 April 2017.
  7. Describes Labor’s emissions trading scheme as “jobs destroying”, a handbrake on the economy, leading to “much higher energy prices.”27 April 2016.
  8. Says coal will be important for “many, many decades to come”25 October 2016.
  9. Seeks changes to the national environmental act to stop conservation groups challenging environmental ministerial decisionsOctober 31, 2016
  10. Says “if anyone had a vested interest in showing you that you could do really smart, clean things with coal, it would be us”1 February, 2017.
  11. Opens $5 billion infrastructure fund for “clean-coal” power stations3 February 2017.
  12. Hires Sid Marris, former head of climate and environment at the Minerals Council of Australia, to be his climate and energy adviser3 February 2017.
  13. Ignores advice that renewable energy was not to blame for South Australian blackouts13 February 2017.
  14. Oversees 3.4% rise in emissions within 12 months and 7.5% increase since the Abbott-Turnbull government scrapped the carbon price01 March 2017.
  15. Diverts funds from Clean Energy Finance Corporation to fund coal with carbon capture and storage31 May 2017.
  16. Stops releasing pollution data that used to be announced on a quarterly basis7 July 2017
  17. Attacks South Australian renewable energy policy as “ideology and idiocy in equal measure”14 August 2017.
  18. Dumps Clean Energy Target17 October 2017
  19. Plans to reduce environmental spending to less than 60% of 2013-2014 budget13 December 2017
  20. Declares its climate policies are a big success19 December 2017.
  21. Turnbull’s signature emissions reduction policy, the National Energy Guarantee, described as having ‘no benefit’ to emissions18 July 2018.
  22. Personally approves $443m fund for Great Barrier Reef Foundation, an organisation with ties to BHP, Shell and Peabody Energy31 July 2018.
  23. Removes emissions reduction target from National Energy Guarantee20 August 2018

Having read the list, Alex Turnbull connected the name “Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull” with his father, also called Malcolm Turnbull, and the terrible truth dawned upon him.

Now in hospital, doctors say he may undergo a period of dissociation but this is to be expected in such cases of trauma.

Liam McLoughlin teaches English, politics, and media, and writes a bit. You can find his stuff at Situation Theatre or on Facebook and Twitter. He still can’t decide which quote is more profound: Karl Marx’s “It is not the consciousness of men that determines their existence, but their social existence that determines their consciousness” or Stewart Lee’s “David Cameron and Ed Milliband are about as different as two rats fighting over a courgette that has fallen into a urinal. The main difference being that the David Cameron rat is wearing chinos, in an attempt to win over the youth voter”.