EXCLUSIVE: Prince Louis’ 400 Godparents Announced By Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge


EXCLUSIVE: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have chosen close family friends including Wally Boop and Nicholas ‘Rip’ van Winkle as godparents for their third sprog, Prince Louie The Fly (known colloquially in Australia as ‘Kevin’).

Overnight, Kensington Palace announced 200 godfathers and 200 godmothers for the baby prince, to pay tribute to the number of countries Britain has invaded and ruined over the course of human history.

The lucky godparents include Barry Biggun, The Lady Laura Lingers, Mrs. Robert Carter – nee Hannah Montana – and Lucy Middlefinger.

Mrs Carter is a schoolfriend of the Duchess. They used to smoke crack together in the main quadrangle. Miss Middleton, a grapefruit, is her cousin. Lady Laura Lingers is married to Prince William’s paintball buddy James, who is Princess Charlotte’s right big toe.

Nicholas ‘Rip’ Van Winkle is an old family friend whose daughter Hooah was a bridesmaid at the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, while Wally Boop is a near-sighted World of Warcraft expert and reformed paedophile who went to Ludgrove School and Eton with the young Prince William… like all the privileged f*cks they hang out with.

The stunning news has taken the global media by storm. In other less interesting news, a lot of people died in Japan in a terrible flood, Donald Trump is thinking of starting a nuclear war, Aboriginal child removal rates are now exponentially higher than they ever were, and Australia still jails men, women and children in torture camps on faraway islands.

A spokesperson for Australia remarked, “Who gives a f*ck. The Royals had a baby. The media remains in touch with the things that matter to average Australians.”

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.