18 Of The Best Melbourne Eateries Where Gangs Of African Youths Probably Won’t Kill You


African Youth Crime Gangs are out of control in Melbourne. People are being slaughtered. And then eaten alive, after they’ve been slaughtered. And then re-animated and slaughtered again. It’s that bad.

Only the bravest journalists from the Herald Sun and The Age are venturing out into the carnage to bring you ‘the exclusives’ and promote a civil public debate… about Vicious African Youth Crime Gangs. Which are out of control. And killing white Melburnians. Everywhere. All the time.

Anyhoo, New Matilda hit Melbourne town to find out the best places to eat where you won’t get stabbed or maimed or killed. Turns out the safest place to eat, amidst the chaos and panic, is at an African restaurant. Because Terrifying Vicious African Youth Crime Gangs don’t attack African restaurants. Because apart from being violent, Brutal Terrifying Vicious Alien Vampire African Youth Crime Gangs are also racist.

So, in no particular order, here’s 18 Melbourne African restaurants where you can safely dine (and support, while this fucking shameful debate plays itself out)… with props to Trip Advisor and of course Peter Dutton and Malcolm Turnbull, who’ve done more to promote fine African dining than any fascists before them.

Morrocan Soup Bar | 183 St Georges Rd, Fitzroy | Moroccan, African, Vegetarian

The Abyssinian | 277 Racecourse Rd, Kensington | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly, Vegan Options, Gluten Free Options

Little Africa | 358 Victoria Street, Melbourne | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly

Polepole Bar & Kitchen | 1/267 Little Collins St, Melbourne | African, Vegetarian Friendly

Saba’s Ethiopian Restaurant | 328 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly, Vegan Options, Gluten Free Options

New Somali Kitchen | 284 Racecourse Rd, Flemington | African, Middle Eastern, Halal

Savanna African Restaurant & Café | 7 Johnston St, Collingwood | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly, Vegan Options

Konjo Ethiopian Restaurant | 20 Smith St, Collingwood | African

Nyala’s African Restaurant | 356 Brunswick St, Fitzroy | African Ethiopian

The Horn | 20 Johnston St, Collingwood | African Ethiopian

African Taste | 124 Victoria St, Seddon | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly, Vegan Options

Mesob | 213 High St, Northcote | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly

Abesha Ethiopian Restaurant | 327 Barkly St, Footscray | African Ethiopian

Dinknesh | 227 Barkly St, Footscray | African Ethiopian

Harambe Ethiopian Restaurant | 205-207 Nicholson St, Footscray | African Ethiopian

Cafe Lalibela | 91 Irving St, Footscray | African Ethiopian, Vegetarian Friendly

Sahara Restaurant and Bar | 252 Swanston St, Melbourne | Moroccan, Middle Eastern, African, Vegetarian Friendly, Gluten Free Options

Mozambique Bar & Grill | 66 Station St, Sandringham | African Bar, Café, Pub, Australian

Sheger Cafe Bar and Restaurant | 83 Irving St, Footscray | African Australian Ethiopian Arabic

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Chris Graham is the publisher and editor of New Matilda. He is the former founding managing editor of the National Indigenous Times and Tracker magazine. In more than three decades of journalism he's had his home and office raided by the Australian Federal Police; he's been arrested and briefly jailed in Israel; he's reported from a swag in Outback Australia on and off for years. Chris has worked across multiple mediums including print, radio and film. His proudest achievement is serving as an Associate producer on John Pilger's 2013 film Utopia. He's also won a few journalism awards along the way in both the US and Australia, including a Walkley Award, a Walkley High Commendation and two Human Rights Awards. Since late 2021, Chris has been battling various serious heart and lung conditions. He's begun the process of quietly planning a "gentle exit" after "tying up a few loose ends" in 2024 and 2025. So watch this space.