Unexpected Love Matches Of The Modern Age: A Pick-Me-Up For Depressing Times

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Some people were meant to be together for their own enjoyment. And others were mean to be together for ours. Nelly Thomas has it all mapped out.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be finding the current political landscape somewhat depressing. By depressing, I mean WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

So to my fellow political tragics, I offer the following brief distraction: unexpected love matches of the modern age. You can try it at home. You better believe I have. 

Khloe-Game-of-Thrones

Stanis Baratheon (Game of Thrones) and Khloe Kardashian (The Kardashians)

He’s the Head of the House of Baratheon, she’s the lowest ranked of the First family of Reality. Both are ridiculously famous, both have issues with their brothers and when they marry, they’ll be the Baratheon-Kardashians. Enough said.


Doyles

Frankie Doyle (Wentworth) and Robert Doyle (Lord Mayor of Melbourne)

She’s a homicidal lesbian who looks like she just graduated from a Private Girls’ school but has a terrible bogan accent, and he’s a Conservative Liberal who champions a woman’s right to choose and LGBTI rights. I understand neither, but secretly love both. And, if they got married, no-one would have to change their name.


Kerry-Obrien-love-match

Kerry O’Brien (ABC legend) and Birgitte Nyborg (Borgen)

Can you imagine a more perfect match (other than the current Mr & Mrs O’Brien)? They’re both smart, funny, political and have a twinkle in their eye. A pairing justified by the potential dinner parties alone. And Season 4 of Borgen BABY!


Crazy-eyes

Crazy Eyes (Orange is the New Black) and Julie Bishop.

No explanation required.


Serena-David-Walliams

Serena Williams (greatest athlete of all time) and David Walliams (one of the greatest comedians of all time)

Sure, the convenient name thing again, but this match goes deeper. A couple of things you may not know about Walliams: he loves tennis* and shares the same birthday as me (20th August). That makes him a Leo and Serena is a Virgo so that’s a game, set and match made in heaven.**


Katter-Blatter

Sepp Blatter (FIFA) and Bob Katter

I like the alliteration and the fact that notorious homophobe Bob Katter would have to marry a dude, but most of all I reckon they’d get along. They both talk absolute nonsense and when any failings are pointed out in their logic, it’s Teflon time. Their family motto could be “nothing to see here”. It’s good to have a family motto, mine is “What’s Cookin’ Good Lookin’?”


Antony-Green-Lucas-Love

Antony Green (ABC Numbers Savant) and Joey Lucas (West Wing Numbers Savant)

The probability of these two hitting it off is 99 per cent. The first date would be a bellwether moment, but I predict success and while we won’t know for sure for a couple of weeks, I am calling it for the Lucas-Greens. The wedding cake could be a pie chart.


Dr-Karls

Dr Karl (the only scientist most Australians could name) and Dr Carl (the doctor from Neighbours everyone could name)

I haven’t watched Neighbours for about 20 years but even I know Dr Carl still lives on Ramsey St. Both these men are features of my childhood and are still kicking around dishing out a bit of mad logic with a killer smile. Sure, Dr Karl’s dress sense is probs a bit out there for Dr Carl, but opposites attract. And they can share the same monogrammed towels.


Lisbeth-Aya

Aya Stark (Game of Thrones) and Lisbeth Salander (Girl with a Dragon Tattoo)

My favourite pairing. I do feel a tiny bit bad about doubling up on Game of Thrones but Aya Stark is one of the greatest television characters of all time and goodness knows she deserves a bit of love. Who better than to love her than Lisbeth Salander, one of the greatest fictional characters of all time; also possibly in need of a cuddle. Family Motto: fuck with me and die. BOOM.


Hansons

Pauline Hanson and Hanson (MMMBop)

Both have about as much to offer public life as a festering sore on a dead maggot. Best they distract each other and leave the rest of us alone.


Matt-preston-vince-fontana

Matt Preston (Master Chef) and Vince Fontana (Mayor of Preston, Victoria)

Ok, I may be getting carried away with the name thing – but shit this one made me laugh and I like these two together. Matt is as camp as Christmas (those suits!) and Vince is sharp. I can see them shopping at Preston Markets and slow-cooking an Osso Bucco of a weekend.


Tonies-Two

Tony Martin (Comedian) and Tony Abbott (Comedian)

Tony squared would be somewhat painful for Messrs Martin and Abbott but I think they could make it work. One day we’ll find out Abbott and Costello weren’t a diabolical political combination but a fabulous comedy duo (on repeat) and we were being punked all along. Ok, so some people got hurt on the way, but all good comedy comes from great pain… including a double poke to the eye of poor people, refugees, women, the LGBTI community and workers.


Donald-Trump-5

Last but not least, The Trump Card: Donald Trump and Donald Trump.

One, if Trump married himself he’d be thrilled and I like to spread the joy. Two, he couldn’t reproduce with himself which would be a relief to us all. Three, the force of Donald could be so great (he’s going to eliminate crime and make American Great Again) that if Donald were squared he might disintegrate – poof! Just like that! Leaving behind a comb-over and a giant set of brilliant white teeth. Look, nothing else is working, surely it’s worth a try.


Ladies and gents, the next few years are going to be tough and you’ve only got one limbic system. Pace yourself and laugh when you can.

As you were.

*Absolutely no idea if he likes tennis.

**Ditto about star signs.

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Nelly Thomas

Nelly Thomas has been described as one of Australia’s most natural comedians. An award-winning performer, she was listed as one of Australia’s “most innovative thinkers” in The Age Newspaper’s, The Zone and was featured on the ABC’s Big Ideas: The Smartest Stuff on TV, Radio and Online. Nelly is a regular guest on ABC Radio and writes extensively in the print and online media. In 2012 she published her first book. Nelly has performed in over sixteen festivals and directed shows by the likes of Maria Bamford and Stella Young. She’s also grown two humans of her own.

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