Christopher Pyne To Unleash His New Herpes Virus On Unsuspecting Carp


As noted by a New Matilda reader, Cory Bernardi warned us this might happen. Either way, the Australian Government appears to have finally found a useful purpose for Christopher Pyne.

By 2018, Pyne plans to release a particularly nasty strain of the Herpes virus – ominously called cyprinid herpesvirus-3, with italics and everything – into the European Carp population in the Murray-Darling river system.

It’s expected to wipe about 95 percent of the critters over the following 30 years.

This is counteracted, of course, by his party’s position of climate change denial… obviously, the Murray Darling will have long been ruined by 2046. But at least it’ll be ruined without 95 per cent of its existing carp.

Speaking to ABC radio today, Pyne outlined the impacts of his hideous new disease.

“It affects the European carp by attacking their kidneys, their skin, their gills and stopping them breathing effectively,” Pyne said.

“They have the virus for a week before they show any symptoms and it suddenly kills them within 24 hours.”

Which sounds a little like what it must feel like to awake one morning and realize you joined the Liberal Party overnight.

A picture of a 24lb European Carp that would have caught Herpes from Christopher Pyne in a few years if it weren't first plucked from the water.
A picture of a 24lb European Carp that would have caught Herpes from Christopher Pyne in a few years if it weren’t first plucked from the water. (IMAGE: Tim Creque, Flickr)

Pyne swears blind that the CSIRO has assured him that “the virus is safe and has no impact on humans”.

Which must be an enormous relief to those people who were planning to have unprotected sex with a carp.

But we have been here before – a government agency introduced the cane toad, to eat the cane beetle, and the rest is history.

With that in mind, renowned dog killing fantasist, Barnaby Joyce also got in on the act, moving quickly to assure everyone that “Scientists at the CSIRO have spent years testing the virus in ‘the world’s most sophisticated high containment facility’”.

Which is probably a dam in a paddock somewhere.

In any case, expect Christopher Pyne’s Herpes virus to being coming to a carp near you very soon… ish. If a Liberal-approved coal mine doesn’t wipe us all out first.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.