A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


As the sun has sailed into your sign, you can look forward to a week of happy coincidences, otherwise known as manifestations of poetic justice. Try not to fall over while attempting to show the world you are a force to be reckoned with, and not just a little old man knocking on seventy’s door.

The six-week retrograde of Venus begins in your sign this week, knocking you off your comfortable perch and onto the soiled newspaper that lines your cage. It’s a tough relationship period, and you’ll be tempted to move out. Unfortunately you can’t get the slidey door open with that inconvenient beak of yours.

You pride yourself on your independence, and Monday’s full moon will reinforce your feelings. I have to warn you that this self-sufficiency act might just be a clever disguise for a congenital inability to get along with anyone else for more than the five minutes it takes them to realise you are not God. Oh well, their loss eh?

It’s Focus on the Family week, and I don’t mean that in a neo-conservative sense. Even your Democrat starmate Hillary Clinton will be playing the babies-are-cute card in an attempt to soften her ball-breaking image. It’s still a matter of virgin/whore, hardass/bore. In a world where those are your choices, my money’s on bitch.

Monday’s full moon will bring you a message of some glad tidings, probably related to education. Perhaps you miscalculated your HECS debt when doing your tax, and will get a bigger cheque than you thought. Or perhaps you will merely be spending all weekend in Hogwarts like everyone else.

Speaking of Hogwarts, it is universally acknowledged (among astrologers, at least) that the Dark Lord Voldemort is a Capricorn. You can look up his chart on the internet. Or you can spend your week doing something profitable, as my sources tell me there is money to be made right now for someone with a creative sense of right and wrong.

The trouble you are having with that irritating relative or houseguest will disappear by Sunday, leaving you to bask in the glory of your perfect centredness. You may choose to do this in a Lotus position on your loungeroom floor, but take some time to clean up first, as there’s nothing like a dust allergy to ruin your inner peace.

Success will really get to you this week, as your cup truly runneth over and staineth the new carpet you just had put in. It’s the end of a long campaign, and like a tired soldier or successful Turkish prime minister, you are entitled to put your feet up and crack a bottle of secular raki; but do beware of poisoners.

Where do you belong? That’s your big question this week, Aries. Like our gangly ex-Oil, you’ll be wondering if you’re in the right place. Perhaps you should be down in the Tarkine chained to a bloody great tree. Or perhaps you thought ‘old growth’ was a kind of unwanted callous you know, a bit like your conscience.

This week, you’ll be grinning in a warzone as your usual charming popularity clashes with a new ambition. This horoscope seems perfectly tailored for the image of Tony Blair wandering into the Middle East with a big smile, a flak jacket, and a rented DVD of Lawrence of Arabia. I do hope you’ve remembered the flak jacket.

Astronomers using the Cassini probe have discovered a new moon of Saturn and called it Frank, for some reason known only to astronomers. Why not exercise a little creative re-naming of important things in your life? There’s nothing like a side-table named Miranda to arouse a little air of mystique.

This week’s lunar activity is concentrated in your pants, and will be as distracting as an under-twenties’ all-model beach volleyball tournament. Since it’s winter, such an event is unlikely. You still spend every day stalking the coast in a torn overcoat. You will end up with a nasty cold, if you’re lucky.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.