A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


You dream you are watching a football match between the Bolsheviks and the Mencheviks. A cute hot dog salesperson mixes you a White Russian and asks if you have a bet on. You find the TAB slips in your pocket: you’ve gambled equally each way. The moral? Revolutions usually benefit the most opportunistic party.

That loving energy is still around you, and this week you are able to take a step forward. Instead of soaking up the attention, you (of all people) will find yourself willing and able to make a commitment. The planets encourage creative passion, so if you don’t have a partner in mind, spend some quality time with a musical instrument.

Remember the old tooth-pulling method where you tie a piece of string around your molar and attach the other end to a doorhandle? I just thought I’d make you wince, because your life is going to be very easy this week. In fact, the only door you’ll be slamming is to a room you don’t need anymore.

When your dead ex’s brother decides to sell a personal fax on ebay, you don’t bat an eyelid. You’ve been pretending to be graceful in defeat for a little while, and that grace will carry through to better times. Skirt-smoothing is recommended, because after today, everything starts falling into your perfectly poised lap.

The Dalai Lama, a textbook Cancerian, has decided to launch Kindness Week from the new Crocoseum stadium at Australia Zoo. This is typical of your energy right now. Your plans are altruistic, your heart is in the right place, but your sense of style is totally wack. Fortunately everyone knows you’re harmless.

You’re in luck, Leo, because the universe is doing some serious overlooking of flaws this week. Interesting partnerships will be formed, new projects will arise, and enemies will forget their grudges. Grasp opportunities with both hands, and that means stop using the right one to throw rocks at people.

So if Brian Burke is the Arthur Daley of WA, who’s the Terry? Aside from being plagued by fictional spivs and absurd slurs, your week should turn out quite nicely. You only have to keep your cool until tomorrow, when you’ll be in less danger of boiling over. Suck on ice cubes during Question Time.

Libran Steve Bracks has given almost three quarters of a million dollars to protesters injured by police beatings during the WTO actions in 2000, forgetting that he’s throwing resources at anarchists. Your week will involve a much more creative settlement between your revolutionary desires and your inner thug.

Everyone seems to be in creative mode except you, but instead of getting jealous you derive great pleasure from your capacity to function, and even facilitate the processes of others. Your friends will return your assistance in kind one day, if they ever get their shit together.

The international space community is working out how to deal with Near Earth Objects, asteroids that threaten to blow our planet to smithereens. The US will no doubt use this as an excuse for their Reliable Replacement Warhead scheme, and then blow our planet to smithereens. See? It’s not just you. Everybody is confused.

This week’s Grand Trine affects your home, your sexuality, and your sense of oneness with the universe. These aspects are all connected in unexpected ways. You could meditate on that, but basically you’ll come to an obvious conclusion: it’s a great week for hosting a party, because you’ll probably get laid.

If you’re so clever, why are you putting the milk in the cupboard and the peanut butter in the fridge? It’s not just the kitchen. You are at risk of messing up a perfectly good conversation with simple mistakes. You need to concentrate. Avoid drugs, alcohol, pointing out cruel truths, and snacking in the dark.

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