A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


You’re going through a major shift right now, and might feel tempted to go into lockdown mode and hope it all blows over. But to get the most out of this change, you need to be outside, weathering the storm. If you live in a cyclone-prone area you may disregard this advice.

Some good love energy will be floating around you this week. Like Aries Al Gore, you could be so busy being gleefully right that you forget that you’re not on this earth to win praise. Soaking in kudos is bad for your skin, but a little dip now and then never hurt anyone.

Ends and beginnings are in store for you, but don’t expect the transition to be seamless. You still have a lot of work to do if you want to disengage with your past. However, your community supports you in your efforts. Expect offers of lamington drives and benefit concerts.

Impatience with the sluggish movement of your life or a sense that things are rolling gently backwards should leave you after this week, so bear with it. Use this as a chance to look over your shoulder and see how far you’ve come, but don’t get mired in nostalgia. You’ll be racing ahead before you know it.

Cancerian Morris Iemma has promised to text the people of NSW if there’s a terrorist attack, but are his thumbs fast enough? This week, you will also want to make outlandish commitments regarding future communication, but don’t cry wolf. The weekend will be a good time for talking up whatever actual abilities you have.

A great deal of insecurity and upheaval in terms of leadership and party membership is offset this week by a life-or-death moment in your extended circle. Rather than getting some perspective, you will be filled with excessive belief like James ‘I found Jesus’ tomb’ Cameron. Stick to sci-fi, unless you want a Titanic of your very own.

You’re having a closure frenzy. Unexpected conclusions are coming thick and fast. You’ll be tying off an important loose end this week, but your own behaviour will involve looseness of the cannon variety. Be careful where you point yourself, someone could lose an eye.

You are having real difficulty visualising your future. Your normally active imagination seems to be standing a few miles away in a dark tunnel, feebly waving a lighter. You are going through an apprenticeship and have to work at it. Don’t rely on daydreams to get you through this period.

You’re in need of outdoor activity this week, so try and conduct as much of your life as you can under the open sky. Meetings should be poolside, and social events should involve light exercise. If you’re stuck in an office, please feel free to present this horoscope to your boss in lieu of a note.

Feeling misunderstood is probably going to dog you for life, but this week will be a pleasant respite. You are finally being recognised for who you are, and I mean this in a Scorcese way, not a Britney goes-berserk way. You shouldn’t have to fake extremeness to get what you want, so leave the umbrella at home.

While Serbia has escaped a conviction of genocide, the American Armenian community is fighting for recognition of its own in the US Congress. I’m pointing this out because your week will involve a similar case: you’ll be looking for an apology from someone who has done you wrong. You could always write a country song.

Aquarian Dick Cheney has been travelling the world with his entourage of excessive security forces, and you might feel a little in need of a bodyguard this week. However, big stick diplomacy is not the best strategy. Protection will let you down when you need it most, so don’t put too much stock by other people.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.