A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


Scrotum. There, I said it. I know I’m not going to win any children’s book awards with this, but your week will be a lot like that previously unmentionable sac: hairy on the outside, but full of potential for new life. You are also extremely, hopelessly sensitive and vulnerable. Watch your nads until Monday.

You’ll be able to take a walk in someone else’s shoes this week. In fact, you’ll be so filled with empathy and goodwill that you will actually stop and talk to the annoying backpackers spruiking child sponsorship. The conversation will be rudely interrupted by the angry man who wants his shoes back.

With new jobs opening up as Iraq Instructors, you’re inspired to get out your sharia-appropriate gymwear and bust some moves. Western decadence fills you with evangelical glee, so much so that you will forget to go to your interview because you were too busy looking up Lindsay Lohan on youtube. Maybe they should send her instead.

You share a sign with Pauline Hanson, but don’t be sad. She found redneck love at Tamworth, and I predict you’ll soon meet your own slim, dusty stranger at a boot-n-flag-scoot. In fact, this week you get a chance to revisit a possibility you recently dismissed. C’mon, those high-waisted, stonewashed jeans weren’t so bad.

This Annus Porcus, spare a thought for the Babes of the world. If you’re not Peter Singer, it’s not necessary to have your photo taken with one, but he’s right: switching to soy protein will save valuable carbon. If you can’t stomach vegetarianism, try going kosher. Porcini are okay, but porcupines are definitely off the menu.

Luck is with you this week, but don’t get too cocky. Use the new Pig energy to sniff out some valuable truffles of information about your enemies. Silence any qualms you may have about playing dirty; it’s the nature of the game. America might elect an honest black man, but be realistic; your name rhymes with Osama.

Your efforts to do the right thing will be stumped by a growing suspicion that general goodwill is not a particularly effective mechanism for social change. It’s back to the drawing board for you this week, and no more pretty rainbows or flowers in gun barrels please. I expect blueprints for the next Sea Shepherd on my desk by Monday.

Al-Zuban al-Shamaliyyah isn’t a Jihadist sect, it’s a star in the constellation Libra. In its brighter days, it represented the sacrificial fires at Babel. That ought to resonate with your week: you’ll be speaking in tongues, illuminating truths, and struggling against forces of censorship. Go read Fahrenheit 451.

Feelings of over-exertion should leave you by tomorrow, when you will be surprised by how light your load actually is. So surprised, in fact, that you will fall over under the sudden lack of weight, spilling the contents of your responsibilities on the floor. This will result in a happy afternoon spent playing in the box they came in.

Getting your just desserts should be a good thing, so why are you trying to stymie progress? Like Condoleezza in talks this week which the BBC referred to as ‘her first Middle East three-way,’ (snigger) you’re trying to lower everyone’s expectations. Don’t be so afraid of failure. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to succeed.

This lunar year might feel like it’s a pig in a poke so far, but wait ’til you see what’s in the bag. You’ll find you’re more crafty and capable this week, and as resourceful as a bush mechanic. Don’t let initial disappointment distract you. Sure, it’s an ugly, squealing mess, but maybe you can make a purse out of its ear.

The ability to revisit an old idea will feed into whatever you’ve got on the boil. For you, the year of the Golden Pig is about living off the fat you’ve accumulated, so I hope you have a well-stocked fridge. You will bubble and squeak, but be warned: eating week-old leftovers can be dangerous to your health.

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