A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


Illusion has a strong hold on you this week; you can’t help believing in your own enchantments, but there’s a tussle going on between life’s everyday rules and your capacity for mystery. For your next trick, try convincing The Man that a period of creative selfishness is essential to discover what work you should really be doing.

Two conjunctions peaking tomorrow offer revelations which will overthrow your sense of self. You are finished with the old Pisces regime and ready to storm your inner Bastille. I admire your enthusiasm, but be warned: counter-revolutionary forces among your peers may leave you with something resembling a failed Pacific coup.

Deliberateness is not the most exciting of personal qualities, but for distractible Aries, an ability to focus on the task at hand is never taken for granted. If you are able to put in the hard yards needed to complete this task, you may just achieve something before you disappear in search of the next shiny bauble.

There’s plenty of action in your social calendar, and you’re going through a particularly charming phase. This week, however, any resulting growth is less likely to be personal, and more likely to be embarrassing. I’m thinking it’s something you will have to get burnt off by a health professional.

If you have managed to release yourself from commitment, you may be at a loss for what to do next. Allow yourself to wallow in a lack of direction this week, because soon there will be a small Oz-style twister stopping by your particular Kansas to carry you off, and you won’t have time to trim your toenails.

Studies show that you can relieve anxiety by moving your eyes back and forth, known in therapy circles as EMDR. Now that the tennis is over, you may find your stress levels have risen. Before you start popping other four-letter acronyms like SSRI or MDMA, consider taking up something else that involves a lot of couch-time.

Clutching at straws is only a good way to solve the water crisis if you really suck. And if you didn’t think that was funny, it’s because you have an issue at the moment with Taking Everything Seriously. You’re constantly on the lookout for lies, even amid the most harmless of satires not to mention reputable French climate reports.

I’d better warn you ­ there’s going to be a tongue-tied time coming up for you. Your public image will be at serious risk of acquiring a red nose and curly wig. Get all your press statements out before next Tuesday. If you happen to be Minister for Foreign Affairs, don’t bother. Everyone is used to you saying stupid stuff by now.

A breakthrough happens this week while you’re slogging through that seemingly meaningless labour. The change is more about your character than your work, though for Librans the two are never separate. The bad news is that communicating the revelation will still require a bucket-load of elbow grease.

The moon gives you an urge to over-indulge this weekend. Sunday will bring a reality check. You’re thinking, ‘A hangover? I don’t need the planets to tell me that!’ but I’m not issuing a public health warning here. The reality is economic: a refused credit card, a theft by someone you trusted, or worse, an inherited budget from hell.

Your earnest desire to achieve something before you fade into the ledgers of Hansard past is commendable, I suppose, if a little too late. Releasing a song at this point is not just lame, it’s an abuse of your position. Sorry, I mean ex-position. This horoscope can also be sung to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory, but who would bother?

You win a hundred-dollar hamper in a charity raffle, and suddenly see hunger everywhere. You seek out the homeless to give away your baby oysters and pickled peacock brains. You still think poor people are lazy, but this week your willpower is stronger than ideology; you’ve out-stubborned yourself.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.