A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


People who painted their faces blue because the government’s full-page glossy advertisements told them to are not as creative and interesting as you. You may gloat about your superior cultural awareness from the cardboard box you are forced to live in after they take your home owner’s grant away for not displaying the flag.

A little rain means that fish like yourself are tempted to swim away in the new channels that have appeared. Don’t make any rash decisions until Sunday, when Mercury facilitates choosing one that will end happily, and not in a shallow, muddy grave where your eyes are pecked at by crows.

With a drive to succeed and a new burst of motivated energy this week, your career goals should get a positive boost. If you’ve been nursing a crush, this is also the time to act, turning it into something more solid and lasting. It’s time to express your individuality by joining as many rat races as humanly possible.

Your heart finds a capacity to expand this week, and the stars also make you ready to commit. Existing relationships will open to the possibility of new participants. You are more likely to marry an abstract noun than an individual, even when they represent one. Hurry, soon the only single ones left will be Evasion and Indecision.

You suddenly look up from your desk and realise there’s been an outside world all along. You will soon understand how many of the promises you made so easily were contingent on a small set of circumstances. It’s not too late to rescind some of those contracts, and your ability to talk your way out of situations is as good as ever.

Buy a lottery ticket. Hang out down the dog track. Start carving a two-up paddle and befriending the old deros at the Blind & Toasted. This column does not endorse gambling (and has a particular loathing of poker machines) but if there was ever a time for you to bet and win, this is it. I don’t need to tell you the value of calculated risks.

This week people around you start bandying about management clichés such as ‘there is no I in team’ and ‘where’s the cheese?’ (oh wait, that’s Peter G’day Russell G’day Clarke). If you rely on your team you will win and share the glory, but wouldn’t you rather lose selfishly? This week your decisions will be egoistic, and likely self-defeating.

The ABC has apparently purchased a virtual island in Second Life. At times, you wish you could disappear into a second life too. One where no-one was able to complain about the squandering of taxpayer’s money, or the let-down of underfunded local content. Geez, there’s just no pleasing some people.

If you’ve been feeling sensible over summer, don’t fret too much, it shouldn’t last. I predict you have another month of hard, seemingly pointless labour left before you can return to that floaty, intuitive decision-making that so irritates those around you. So until the end of February, keep your head down and gather some brownie points.

As smooth as sailing ever gets for Scorpios, that’s my seafarer’s report for you this week. Being Scorpios, however, you will no doubt disrupt the unseasonal calm by plotting some interpersonal conflict, disrupting a few social hierarchies, or just flicking rubber bands at the backs of people’s heads on an overcrowded commuter train.

If you’re going to keep sprogging at this rate, Britney, it’s possible we can let the rest of the star signs off the continuation-of-the-species hook. We honestly don’t care who the father is, we’re just happy to see you saddled with the responsibilities of a normal, exhausting life. But please don’t carry on like this, or you’ll breed a world full of Virgos.

A good week for motivation and commitment sees you saddling yourself with another long-term project. Are you completely incapable of idleness? The new goal will have to do with a passion you have long left dormant, so please ignore the teasing of lazier types and seize the opportunity. I recommend Lance Armstrong’s autobiography.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.