A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


A Capricornian stablemate of yours famously turned water into wine. This year you get over resenting being a Christmas baby and start appreciating the free drinks. It’s also a time for alchemical shifts in your personal relationships. A recent chance meeting will blossom into a lasting friendship.

Aquarians are blessed by an ability to define themselves at length to anyone who will listen. This week you will notice there’s been a change in the way you talk about yourself. Perhaps it’s just the cake in your mouth, but it looks like your self-awareness has grown subtly humbler.

I would advise you to eat at the kid’s table this Christmas. Not only will you get more lollies but you’ll feel included in a conspiratorial joy which will refresh you. You’ve been spending so long working out where you fit in the world, and this could be a chance to look at it with fresh eyes.

The two-headed beast of fable known as a push-me, pull-you is your totemic animal for this week. The disadvantages of not knowing which way to run or which half of you is bullshitting are countered by the ability to present a different face to the world depending on the circumstances.

Scientists from Cambridge have discovered a family in Pakistan who have a genetic mutation making them unable to feel pain. The son died at 14 after jumping off a roof. As you approach meltdown in the emotional smelter of Christmas, remember that suffering has an evolutionary purpose.

Ban Ki Moon, Gemini and new head of the UN, has said he sees his role as that of ‘harmoniser, balancer, mediator’. Those three words pretty much sum up the best way you can deal with Christmas. Separate the fights, smooth over the ideological compromises. And get some perspective, for god’s sake, it’s hardly Palestine.

Today’s new moon gives you some fresh ideas about home, and I’m not talking about kitchenware. You will make travel plans for the coming year and set up your living arrangements to suit them, instead of the other way around. Meanwhile you can begin to close a deal which will free you to roam in 2007.

A series of unexpected recent events has forced you into a shock awareness that image isn’t everything. You will want to make a whole heap of promises this week. People are used to your breaking them, but try and keep them vaguely credible. You won’t just be able to charm your way through next year.

Virgos will find that their capacity to lie convincingly is higher than ever this week. This should mean that your Christmas week is free of the usual feelings of awkwardness and inadequacy that pepper your existence. You will even be able to thank your mother for the pink socks without blinking.

I have some sobering news. A recent study found that Librans, of all the astrological signs, are the worst drivers. However, I choose to dispute this finding. I believe it merely signifies that Librans are honest, and therefore the least likely to blame their speeding fines on a dead pensioner from Adelaide.

If your communication skills haven’t already improved, this is the week. Unfortunately it’s Christmas, so you won’t be able to exercise this wonderful talent for telling it like it is without breaking hearts and possibly crockery. Avoid Nanna’s best china and give gifts without sharp edges.

Your annual new moon is a time to start something, and with Jupiter in your sign for most of 2007 any plans you make now are bound to succeed. The universe is giving you a box of crayons for Christmas. It’s time to go back to being four years old: start drawing a picture of what you want to be when y ou grow up.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.