A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


Life and Santa may be giving a good impression of being wrong about you, but the current attack of the crazies among your near and dear is just seasonal frenzy. This period of absurdity is a gift to prepare you for the year ahead; you need to be raw before you can be cookin’.

The auspices all point to a pleasant week of cheerful and benign happenings. The planets bring you chance meetings with exes who spontaneously apologise for having done you wrong. These innocent encounters could lead to other less publishable pleasures. Quick, get off the internet before you waste it.

With all the focus on interacting with your public, you may not have had any time to feel tired or lost lately. But secretly, you are a little bored by life and need a fresh challenge. This week, take some time out of the hectic social rounds to conjure up a new character.

Cooking for one can be lonely, but don’t fret. This week you should find the people you need to share the dishes that have been bubbling away in your Piscean cauldron. Invitations to social events abound. Take these opportunities as they arise, or you may end up with a freezer full of fish soup.

Use your questionable powers of diplomacy to make changes while you can. A renewed capacity to affect your world may seem due to personal liberation, but it’s more likely to derive from the fact that you were just handed a new responsibility. Shadow Minister for the Environment, for example. Now do your dance. Oh go on.

This week you are prone to emotional outbursts, particularly when you hear that Fiji has been overthrown by Bananarama, who were last seen driving a popular late-model Australian car. So you’re not as important as you think in the eyes of the world, but at least you have achieved confusion.

If you took my advice last week, all’s well. If you didn’t, here is a metaphorical crash-helmet for your catapult-into-wall stunt. It’s made out of your solid plans for life after the crash. It’s strapped to your head with the super-strong bonds of reliable friends. On the side it says ‘Made in Qatar’. I have no idea what that bit means.

Responsibility is not a word that makes you run a mile. The idea of commitment gives you a warm sensation in your belly unrelated to projectile vomiting. So why do you feel a little lacklustre? Nothing is going to move forward by itself, but some things are going to stay still no matter what you do. Take it easy, not personally.

Solar energy gives you some excellent early Christmas presents this week from someone who knows if you’ve been bad or good. The catch is that you must demand nothing in order to receive them, even though you know deep down you deserve the worship of every last bug on this puny planet.

Success is said to be lonely, but half-baked success is far worse. Not only have you made new enemies, but you’ve lost old friends as well, without actually achieving anything. Keep trying. You may eventually be respected for your intellectual poise, if not your loyalty.

Either you have retired from your career like Librans Thorpie and Damien Martyn, or you’ve found a new kind of faith in your work. Either way you have stopped wondering when you’re going to quit. The release of pressure means you feel deflated for at least a week.

So the truth is out, but do you think you can gloat or better still exercise that muscle of brutal honesty? Be gentle in victory. You will rediscover in the process a rusted set of skills that you thought were lost. They give you the capacity to repair the damage. Plus you get to be extra self-righteous whe n you’re nice.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.