A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


Twenty-seven whales stranded themselves on a beach in Strahan, of which perhaps three survived. Wave at them as you sail forlornly by on your own tragic fate, destined for an obscure place in the annals of might-have-beens. It’s not so bad. I heard they have really good coffee there.


When your drains are blocked, do you get your hands dirty with unscrewed s-bends or simply pour toxic chemicals down there? Some people just leave the skank alone in the hope it will fix itself. You’re not normally one of those people, but this time it’s the best policy.

A Chinese construction company was fined this week for bulldozing a section of the Great Wall and putting a road through it. Apparently there was a law against that. You will soon receive similar complaints about your visionary design choices.

While trying to learn interesting facts about coal for your school project, you stumble upon the existence of Burning Mountain in Central NSW, which looks like a volcano but isn’t one. You spend the next week telling people about it excitedly, and feeling dumb when they don’t get excited.

Everyone around you seems to be getting somewhere while you are just getting tired. It’s a good week for you to escape to the country, where you will find depressed farmers with a bigger sense of futility than you. Take some moonshine along but leave your guns at home.

Where is the love? Hiding behind a door, dressed in purple spandex tights and playing the bongos, at least until it pops out and says ‘Boo!’ to your grandmother, who promptly dies of a heart attack. Strange happenings are afoot in matters coronary.

Mercury moves into polarity for you this week which means that you have a chance to rebalance the scales. There is a temptation to overload the other end and get yourself cartoon-catapulted into a wall when it’s all over. Remember this is justice, not revenge.

The moon is waning in Cancer, which means you’re either at home or very homesick. You need to stay in bed until at least Friday, after which you can start diplomatic negotiations about when you will withdraw from bed, all the while making grand pronouncements about what you will achieve there.

While observing the petty leadership disputes of others, you will be overcome by a strange nostalgia and start reminiscing about petty leadership disputes gone by. You will turn to your colleagues to share your feeling, only to find them huddled in a suspicious-looking warrior formation.

The stars have given you that moment of bloodthirstiness that you needed, but you will soon realise you don’t actually want to be that tough. Fortunately, when the people and their wittiest cartoonists discover your nickname is Pixie, you will soon feel completely emasculated.

Back in the village when your mother told you about the Curse, did you think it involved playing second fiddle to the nearest available idiot? By the time there’s a woman at the top the rest of the country will be underwater. Prepare to be gagged and bound.

The next week is all about doing what you can with what you have. Either you will feel empowered and resourceful, or you are too poor to buy anything for Christmas and will have to spend all week crocheting tea cosies for obscure relatives and working out if you can make salad with a tin of corn and some breadcrumbs.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.