A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


This week you have a chance to prepare your heart for the coming year. Think of your ventricles as lumps of protein steeping in a zesty marinade. Think of your blood mingling with spicy sauces in preparation for a feast. Address your invitation to Armin Meiwes, c/-prison.

You will make a quick, easy decision about your destination, but it will take most of the summer to get there. Fresh motivation will illuminate a romantic possibility, but s/he won’t be convinced until early next year. Basically anything you start now is going to be excruciatingly slow.

Instead of throwing roses and underwear this week, your fans are likely to chuck heavy self-help tomes at your head. Their hearts are in the right places, but if you don’t want a lot of unsolicited advice and facial bruising, carry a large tennis racket.

A sense of satisfaction in your domestic life will be misinterpreted by others as malignant agoraphobia. Look forward to aggressive phone calls and visits from relatives and friends as they attempt to coax you from your happy dungeon.

Sluggishness plagues you, probably as a result of working too hard. The good news is that if you allow yourself to rest you will emerge from your chrysalis of exhaustion having figured out what to do next. You’ll still be a caterpillar, but you’ll have a plan.

The stars tell me that someone owes you back rent, but you will have to think of creative ways to get their money. Last week I mentioned your sex life would improve, so maybe you could combine the two. Moral values are made to be compromised.

The full moon in Gemini next Tuesday will resolve all sorts of long-term compounded tensions. This either means that they will go away of their own accord, or that you will finally snap. I hope it’s the latter, it’ll be funnier to watch.

Closing the deal may happen sooner than you think, so you had better be prepared for swift decision-making. You’ll feel overwhelming closure and calm for about five minutes before you realise the level of serious debt you’ve got yourself into.

They’ve handed down yet another decision absolving you of any wrongdoing. All these favourable glances from the judiciary are looking far too chummy. A major public backlash will loom briefly and then be drowned in the twin summer opiates of heat and cricket.

It’s a good week to cook up plots, particularly ones that involve roping other people into your sordid plans for political control so that you can blame them later for your ill-disguised interventionism. I say passing the buck, you say regional response.

A comfortable win in the popularity stakes doesn’t give you as much satisfaction as you thought it would. You spend the next three and a half years half-heartedly defending your feifdom against dark and sinister forces while secretly wondering what it’s all for.

People who say there is no justice are essentially losers. There is justice, it just doesn’t come around often enough. Lately you’ve been getting a karmic payback for previous suffering. This week you can expect a surprise gift which even you can’t claim you’ve earned.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.