A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics



You have been on a whirligig lately. Be thankful it was the child’s toy and not the medieval torture device. By early next week your dizziness will have faded and you’ll be able to make sense of the transition you have just been through. A strengthened inner life will benefit from some honest discussion.




Usually you start getting anxious a few weeks before your birthday, but this year you’re strangely calm. It helps that the universe is conspiring to surround you with sweetness and light right now. Perhaps it’s all that loitering under fluorescent tubes in the frozen dessert aisle.


You must choose whether you are inspired by collective enterprises or the passion of the individual. To help, I’m giving you homework. Cut out pictures of Margaret Thatcher and Mao Tse Tung, stick them to either side of a card, tie it to a piece of string and spin it. They look weirdly alike, don’t they?


Tired of people telling you to get a grip, you recently wallpapered your house with those geriatric-safety bathmats. Just in the nick of time, as you’ll be bouncing off those very walls all week with manic excitement. Anyone seeking to have a serious talk with an Aquarian should find some spring cleaning to do.


You might have clear long term goals, but your immediate future is a mess. That can be confusing, but try and stay calm until it all blows over. Like, it was probably not a good idea to trash the mansion, cause now there’s no way you’ll get a cent out of Britney.


Finishing some group work this week will force you to face the far more personal adventure you’ve embarked on. Your urge to seek new challenges is currently muted by a tendency to flake. You still need other people more than you think, at least until you can afford a PDA.


The surprising thing about your new ‘tough love’ approach is not how well it works but how much you enjoy it. This week, Taureans are most likely to be found loitering in front of darkened leatherware shops or snaffling abandoned riding crops from the deserted racetrack.


You receive unexpected injuries this week while trying to keep your foot in the door while holding the window of opportunity open. Take triple Gemini Kylie as your inspiration and make everyone around you wear t-shirts bearing the motto ‘[your name]says relax.’


Monday’s new moon will push your participation levels into overdrive. The work will be hard, but change will improve your popularity. Someone might even thank you, though it’s unlikely to be Donald Rumsfeld. Perhaps it’ll be some oppressed Middle Eastern folks who are tired of the occupation we can only hope.


Christmas comes early in the Leo household as the universe lands a big present in your lap. So what if there are wires sticking out of it instead of a card? Who cares if the reindeer all have burqas on and Rudolph’s nose is ticking? Don’t be so distrustful.


No more hearing voices or speaking in tongues. This week, Virgos return to normal programming. Your language skills are so good that it’s a great time to pass your citizenship test. Don’t worry if you’re already a citizen, they’ll make us all do it eventually.


Gregarious Librans will be in fine form this weekend, chattering away and cracking charming jokes. It’s a good opportunity to use your skills to build something positive, but you are particularly shallow right now and will probably waste it on self-serving social vanity.

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