A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics



Some pretty hefty revelations will force a shift in the way you think and talk this week. Your self-perception is about as clear and functional as Australian policy on climate change. It’s equally in need of a ruckus to get things moving. What are you waiting for? Ruck away.


It’s the form of the conversation that needs to change, not the content. If you’ve been talking, sing; if you’ve been singing, dance. If you’ve been conducting avante-garde performance art at radical inner-city venues, you are a wanker and there’s no hope for you.


Pressure to conform plagues Capricorns at the best of times, but right now it’s like the status quo has taken a personal interest in you. Are those straight families being deliberately happy in your direction? Scowl, turn up your collar, and stalk into the seedy alleyway where you belong.


The lane divider at my local pool snapped today. After the initial cap-gun shock it snaked beautifully into a receding sine wave against the blue. Everyone smiled and took the disruption with good grace and humour. Look forward to similar sparks of poetry from inanimate objects near you.


Laisenia Qarase’s week is looking pretty stressful, but not all Pisceans are being pushed out at gunpoint. Some of you are smart enough to jump out of the way before the barrel touches your ribs. An interventionist bully will probably send troops to back you up either way.


Arians being sentenced to death by hanging this week may be suspicious about the pre-election timing. Take comfort in the fact that the infidel is torturing itself with Republicans. The noose may be dangling over your head, but despotism is alive and kicking.


A sudden attack of righteous anger makes you overcome your wussy, negotiating ways and put the boot in to someone who’s been taking you for a ride. I suggest you wear the steelcaps all week in anticipation of this event. Direct action really does get the goods.


It’s a week of burning questions about your approach to work and the role you want it to play in your life. Questions so burning that they make smoking holes in your computer screen. Calling tech support gives you nothing to do all morning but dream about a better place to be.


There is such a thing as bad publicity. You will learn this lesson when doorstopped by a gang of muckracking bin-divers on the morning you decide to get the paper in the panda suit normally reserved for, er, private functions. I hope you have a good explanation for this one.


Forced to withdraw your bid for a seat on the UN, you assuage your loneliness by putting an ad in the paper. ‘One bedroom harbour available in comfortable South American nation, unpopular views, plenty of shed space, suit responsible terrorist.’ That’ll learn ’em.


Today your conversations will grow wings. Sadly, not those of the noble, soaring eagle. They are more likely to turn into bogongs, fly in people’s faces and bash into lightbulbs. You will still be better understood than you ever expected, and this will make you feel strangely disappointed.


You might not feel kitted out for life, but that’s because you’ve been throwing your baggage away for years. You’ve won that dare; now it’s time to pose yourself some physical challenges. Instead of biting off more than you can chew, try carrying more than you can lift.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.