a starguide for skeptics and cynics


Wednesday 18 October, 2006


This weekend the planets give you a big shove in the back. It might hurt a little, but it will get you moving in the right direction, so long as you’re already facing that way. Avoid standing too close to the edge of any abysses for the moment, unless you have a traction fetish.


A taxi driver will surprise you this week by giving you the best piece of advice you’ve heard for years. I will therefore refrain from giving you any advice, except to say that you should seek out wise-looking taxi drivers and engage them in conversation.


Your performance will go off without a hitch (other than the knot kind), leaving you with a feeling of what social theorists call ‘groupness’. Normal people call this feeling ‘being at a party where everyone is on ecstasy’. Either way, there’s a lot of love in the room right now.


An offer of a permanent contract will give you much to think about this week. If you have shied away from commitment in the past, now’s the time to consider taking up the responsibility. Do it quickly, before Vanstone introduces a stringent test for the role.


Travel is an end in itself. Choose your destination by pointing at a map with your eyes closed. Go to the place with the oddest-sounding name. Make a pilgrimage to the capital of your favourite food. If you’re not that adventurous, just walk a different way to the shops.


People accuse you of being afraid of hard work. Well, you can tell them that hard work is the primary cause of heart disease, you’re more likely to be injured at work than anywhere else, being afraid of it is perfectly reasonable, and you’re going back to bed, thankyou very much.


This week you feel pulled in all directions, a sensation not entirely without pleasure. Resist the urge to beg for your freedom. Lie back and enjoy the somewhat musical cranking of the rack. As you nod to your torturers, remember that the universe is expanding too.


You feel so bogged down in detail that you can’t stop thinking of that really sad bit from The Labyrinth when the horse dies. Keep going, as the weekend will bring an illuminating moment which will clarify your next move. And it isn’t wandering around with your shirt off yelling ‘Atreyu!’


As various governments attempt to extradite you from your island haven, take some time to consider your shady past. There won’t always be a military plane to save you. Sometimes, home isn’t about safety, or family. Home is where the cops have a warrant out.


An ancient curse put upon your family by the misdoings of an ancestor will return to haunt you, in the form of a real estate agent with an annoying ringtone who tries to trick you out of your rightful share. Okay, it’s not really an ancient curse, but making peace with your elders will help you resolve it.


Accusations will surface about how you divide your time. Reassure them that you are not wasting time on the internet, you’re triangulating the auspices in order to develop a behavioural framework for the organisation’s immediate future, in line with the strategic plan. That should get them off your back for a week.


While you were signing up to learn Auslan you accidentally enrolled in a variety of summer courses which should see you able, by February, to construct a sustainable fusion reactor out of recycled VB cans, thus saving the world. Unfortunately you will drop out in November.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.