a starguide for skeptics and cynics



You have a few days of dreaming left before your life fills with unprecedented action. Before the weekend, plan the best craziest risk you could take to make your life better. However absurd it may seem now, you will soon realise that you are more than capable of pulling it off.


The chimera is a real place near Olympos in Turkey. In the myth, the flaming-haired, lion-headed, snake-tailed goat beast was sent underground as a captive. In reality, flames spring from the rocks, creating a bizarre place for a barbeque. This week you will turn a monster into a delightful lawn feature.


You have an excess of energy best burnt by physical exercise. I’ve been teasing you about that gym membership but it’s probably exactly what you need. Your body is charged with psychic calories. Must have been that psychic triple chocolate cake you ate.


Separated from your ordinary social network, you will need to form new associations. This is frightening at the best of times, but keep at it. Volunteer for the lamington committee and join the bowls team. You will soon discover you have good taste, a mean underarm, and people skills.


Think about baptism for a minute. Can you cure doubt through immersion in water? Obviously a good wash helps before you enter a church, but I’d like to suggest the same tactic at the opposite end. Rinse yourself of religious membership. Celebrate your apostasy with a jump in the nearest lake.


Did the sexual revolution leave you behind? Are you still wondering how to navigate the plethora of possible genders and sexualities available to you? It’s not too late to make your desires become reality. Start your own revolution and cut out the middle man, woman, or other.


Swedish chemist Svante Arrhenius discovered the effects of carbon dioxide on the earth’s atmosphere at the turn of last century. He was delighted by the idea of global warming, as it meant an end to those mean Scandinavian winters. I predict that this week you will draw a similar positive from what seems like a big disaster.


You’ll be working too hard this week, but don’t let clingy partners or demanding friends drag you away from your project. The best social interactions will come from others who are also over-involved. Reassure your loved ones that they’re better off without your enthusiastic, single-topic conversation.


Obsessive curiosity about someone else’s life is familiar territory for you. This week, you will be on the receiving end. When does a conversation become an interview? Watch tapes of Joanne Lees all week and learn how to be emotionally distant without being suspicious.


Your position takes a turn for the worse this week when you are spotted stumbling through the halls of power singing ‘What shall we do with the North Koreans?’ to the tune of ‘The Drunken Sailor.’ Unless someone throws you in the lifeboat to sober up, you could lose your feeble grip on the presidency.


The sun sets on everyone equally. Just because it’s your ruler doesn’t mean you get any special treatment. Keep that in mind this week, because there will be a few golden moments when you feel like you deserve better than your peers. Your fifteen minutes is, however, ticking gently away.


You are one of those people who think out loud: you work out your beliefs through conversations. This week you will meet a deaf old lady at a bus stop who will

frustrate you so much that you will want to punch her out. Breathe deeply, then sign up for that course in Auslan.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.