a starguide for skeptics and cynics



You’re having difficulty arranging your life into some semblance of the order you crave. Much to your irritation, chaos and craziness break out of every pore like virulent social acne. It’s a big ask, but try and relinquish intellectual control. You will find the tube of social Clearasil in the handbag of friendship.


Where there’s a will, there’s an argument waiting to happen. However, with your usual charm you should be able to trample any opposition, much like a graceful herd of wildebeest. Be prepared to dodge wildlife photographers keen to capture your annual migration for their National Geographic feature.


You sit at your desk staring out the window, chin in one melancholic hand, wondering how to escape the tedium of everyday life. If you actually tidied your desk you might find, under the month-old unwashed mugs of coffee and neglected stress toys, an unspent ticket out of there.


If you’ve read your share of fantasy novels, you’ll know that naming is a powerful magic. Your personal dictionary will acquire a new term this week: co-opposition. It’s the act of co-operating with your enemies to create a conflict both of you require. Once you’ve named it, you can begin to kick it out from underfoot.


The cockroach is a remarkable creature. It has survived with very little evolutionary change for millions of years, and will probably survive humanity. What does it live for? As you poison every last scuttling bug in your kitchen, spare a thought for the potential for success that lurks in a complete lack of ambition.


You can have a good time by yourself. It’s not sad to play hide and seek with your own shadow, or laugh at your own jokes alone in your room. It’s fine to take yourself out to a romantic dinner and a movie, but sometimes a companion is nice as well. Pick one out at your leisure, but please don’t get 72 cats.


Your kooky antics have attracted the attention of a tall dark stranger. Before you get too excited I should warn you that they are probably in the employ of a debt collection agency chasing you up for that Centrelink fraud you pulled in your early twenties. Try the insanity defence, you could get a pension.


Your mind is preoccupied with the unfairness of romantic love, but your body’s dancing a waltz with the grizzled old witchdoctor of convergence. Switch the mystic to a tango and let your feet take the lead. If we’re all one, then no-one’s done nobody no wrong, right?


Your public display didn’t go quite as expected, but have no fear. Someone will have listened between the fumbled lines and heard the hard work that went into them. As attention drifts away from you, take advantage of the quiet to plot your real move from behind the scenes.


Public speaking engagements will fill your week. Whether it’s a professional ceremony before hundreds of your peers or a slurred toast to a few close friends, you’ll find yourself blessed with charming eloquence. Be fearlessly honest, because for once you’ll get away with it.


Here’s something to ponder from my collection of Zen koans: ‘A monk asked, œWhat is the function of wisdom?  His teacher replied, œA rabbit getting pregnant .’ If wisdom is fertile, you are a big bag of Dynamic Lifter. The function of Zen koans, however, is yet to be revealed.


Scientists still don’t know what causes gravity, but the latest theory is that there are no subatomic particles as such, just their relationships. Having released the weight that was holding you back, you now have to watch you don’t fly off into the sky. Try hanging on to your connections and not their objects.

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