Virgo
You now realise that your dreams of love in a just world were, well, a little naïve. The tendency to over-think which controls you right now will get less annoying shortly, to be replaced by an irrational desire to listen to that Shins song ‘Caring Is Creepy’ over and over again.
Libra
A beginning and an ending this week, as you move toward a new you that has nothing to do with extreme makeovers. No, your transformation is purely internal. Beauty and intelligence converge, causing you to be forcibly removed from your local public library for lewd behaviour in the reference section.
Scorpio
Having recovered brilliantly from the shock of your ruler’s new dwarf status, you now have to deal with the exigencies of Pluto when it’s not in retrograde. I envision you moving up an intellectual ladder. Hopefully the rungs are close enough together for your stubby little legs.
Sagittarius
You will have come full circle this week on the merry-go-round of life. Unfortunately you are prevented from getting off by two carnies, one with horns that look worryingly real and the other a diminutive robot with an evil, synthesised laugh. Sorry, but you’ll have to go round again.
Capricorn
Footage of Steve Irwin’s untimely death will probably be available on the internet before long. I suggest you track it down. It will be a pertinent reminder of the power of karma. A comfort, while Howard fails to be stung by a giant asylum-seeking radiation-mutated wasp.
Aquarius
I hope you haven’t been misusing your toys lately, because the chance of an embarrassing accident is high for the next few days. You know I’m not talking Lego here. The Black Stallion is not just out of batteries. By the weekend, things will be back to plug n’ play.
Pisces
If you need a stronger excuse to be off planet than just being a Pisces, this week’s full moon well and truly provides it. Not only is she kicking some very non-sensible and evolutionary planet action, she’ll be partially eclipsed. A great time to wear an orange wig and pledge allegiance to the ancient bacteria on Mars.
Aries
You’ll have a calm week. The only thing that will change is your level of paranoia, which has been off register lately. Okay, so I haven’t been helping, but the seeds of disruption recently sown will soon sprout into a fine, escaped-GM tomato plant of personal liberation. Mutate and survive, my friend.
Taurus
If you’re worried about your performance, consider the hard work everyone else has put in to your moment in the limelight. It will soon be your turn to gaff the trolleys and make the tea, so relax and enjoy your time in the sun. If in doubt, slap on some 30+ and pop some beta-blockers.
Gemini
You can’t stop talking about other people. They can’t stop talking about you. Everyone’s making a lot of noise and not getting anywhere. This will go on all week, but by Tuesday you should all work out that you can talk to each other. Quick, plan the revolution before God smites your tower.
Cancer
The other day I was riding home when I spotted a gaggle of overall-clad air force officials loitering in the river bed. They were setting off hot air balloons for no apparent reason. I predict this week you will be a witness to many such absurd happenings. FYI the terrorist hotline number is 1800 123 400.
Leo
Those clumsy hands will soon stop fumbling and start manipulating the control panel of your life. Like the sudden click of learning a musical instrument, your evolution will be subconscious, but you’ll need your brain to press the eject button and let go of the cargo that’s been slowing you down.
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