Virgo
Scientists are attempting to manufacture a miniature black hole right now, just to find a tiny sub-atomic particle which may or may not validate string theory. A similar quest awaits you this week: you’ll be digging out a psychological vacuum to prove you’re right. Don’t get sucked into it.
Libra
Efforts you’ve been making to infiltrate a social network should bring surprising results this week. The skills you thought were missing are right there. Beware of reading too much in to the situation. People who come across as teachers might be students in disguise.
Scorpio
You will find your job difficult this week, as your usual policy of brutal honesty won’t win you any promotions. The bosses don’t like your cheek. Charm alone might pull you out of the conflict, but you’re more likely to succeed if you hold your tongue and play by their rules. Failing that, go the wildcat strike.
Sagittarius
You wrote Jedi in your census form, but will you succeed in your mission to save the world from evil? Probably not. The batteries ran out in your light sabre and the dark side is looking pretty comfy in that big black armchair of power. If it’s any consolation, you’ll learn a lot about yourself along the way.
Capricorn
Evolution is a funny old thing. I mean, you could mutate into just about anything if you set your mind to it. If you don’t factor in the necessity of co-operation, life comes down to the art of sex and death. You’ll be getting back to first principles this week, in a way that will shift your chromosomes up a gear.
Aquarius
What’s with the appliance-buying frenzy? The collection of extension cords? Secretly, you have been looking for a spiritual home where you can plug in your spiritual blender. You’ll soon discover that the spiritual powerpoint is not as far away as you thought.
Pisces
Today you will get into an argument about money with your brother. You’ll be in the right, but he will be holding the contract. Distract him by singing a medley of childhood songs and/or building a cubbyhouse out of the lounge suite. Regress and conquer!
Aries
You might have won this round, but there is a whole world of conflict to come, and it will challenge your reasons for being on this adventure. A fight over the map could end in a long walk in the desert if you don’t compromise your goals for those of the collective.
Taurus
You’ll get food poisoning from a bad pie this week. However, while vomiting on that street corner you’ll catch the eye of a sympathetic stranger with more that a casual interest in the contents of your stomach. Like the fat lady in the original Poseidon Adventure, you got a lotta guts.
Gemini
Thinking about settling down with a wife and kid? Perhaps it’s not the best idea to be borrowing someone else’s family for the duration of this phase. I mean, commitment phobia is all well and good, but you can’t adopt by the hour. Rent cheesy romantic comedies until you’re over it.
Cancer
Knock knock, who’s there? Watch what you wear when you answer the door this week. It’s likely to be an apesuit strippergram, the way your stars are going. Be sure and tip them a few bananas, even if they are fifteen dollars a bloody hurricane-induced kilo.
Leo
Your birthday has come and gone but the growth you’ve been waiting for hasn’t arrived yet. Be careful what you wish for, Leo; the planets are trying their hardest to knock you for six this week. If you’ve been begging for a cool change, you might just get an ice age.
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