A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics



The frog in all those children’s stories wasn’t a well developed character. I mean, he just sits there waiting for a kiss to transform him. I’m drawing your attention to this amphibian right now because his situation is pertinent. You’re having trouble convincing everyone that you’re Prince Charming in slimy disguise.


Remember running away as a child? Now wrap an apple and a packet of chips in a hankie and leave a poignant note for your mum. A feeling of closure should descend upon you once you leave this situation behind. It will also liberate you from a personal conflict which was more deep-seated than you thought.


Waiting around for something to fall into place might not be the best life strategy, but right now your ego is less powerful than fate. Don’t feel disempowered by this. Think of it as a little gift from the universe, much like one of those Jokey Smurf exploding presents that weren’t even funny the first time.


I’m sorry, but you’re not the tough cookie that you’d like to be. You’re more like a soft, super-sized choc chip biscuit, dipped in a cup of sweet, milky tea comfort food. This week you’ll realise that it’s not love so much as security that you’ve been looking for all this time. You big wuss.


Life’s tough. So what? Angry Anderson knew what he was shouting about. This week, you’ll get some hard knocks, you’ll struggle, you’ll come out on top. At the end of it all you’ll write a great rock n roll song about the triumph of will over circumstances, enter Ozrock Idol and win a million bucks. No really.


You’ve been trying so hard to negotiate a ceasefire, and now that you have it you sort of miss the noise and drama of war. You could invite some more extremists round to shell the neighbours, but the fun’s gone out of it. Sit up on what’s left of your roof and admire the smoking ruins as you contemplate your next move.


Before you tear up that contract in a fit of righteousness, think about what you’re doing. Are you ruining a good opportunity? Isn’t it better to gain some fringe benefits and an attractive salary while fighting the system from within? Isn’t Satan just a nice young man who’s trying to help you? Okay, now rip it to shreds.


You’re not about to change your ways anytime soon. I don’t know why I bother. Actually, it’s not stubbornness but a kind of inherent calm that allows you to drift against the current. Fortunately, you’ve come to a bend in the river; everything’s going your way.


The attention you’ve been paying to detail should start showing this week, as the bigger shifts you’ve been secretly working towards will materialise. Cause you’ve been so stealthy about it, no-one’s going to thank you for your labour. Smile to yourself as they all wonder at the mysterious ways of the gods.


Those lines of communication are still open, but the message has a big chance of being jumbled this week. You’ll confuse punchlines with pickup lines, to much unintended comic effect. Fortunately this won’t disturb anything more significant than your dignity and the odd upended cocktail glass.


Life is like one of those tins of mathematical instruments we used to have in school. It’s full of stuff that’s ostensibly useful but of obscure purpose. When the hell does anyone need a set square? Right now, you’re glad you’ve hung on to those old skills; you’re drafting something that requires learned precision.


It’s not enough to vanish rabbits and the odd dove in that big top hat of yours. It’s time you climbed in there and did a disappearing act on yourself. Sure, you haven’t quite worked out how to make things reappear yet, but it’s better than volunteering to be sawn in half.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.