a starguide for skeptics and cynics


A southern-hemisphere meteor shower peaks on 12 August, so try and be somewhere you can see all the shooting stars. If not, I suggest you find an old lamp, put on your red shoes, or light some birthday candles, because the universe is in a very friendly mood right now and will be granting a lot more wishes than you think.

Virgos are likely to be found rifling through maps this week, but thinking too much about going places distracts you from where you are. You’re more than capable of sticking with a project, so long as it stays innovative enough to keep you interested. This week, you’ll find the key to making that leadership decision you’ve been waiting for.

Hair and makeup rang your trailer today; they said they’re not letting you back in until you’ve promised to limit your hours. I’m afraid that your tendency toward vanity is at a bit of a high right now. The good news is that the performance you’re giving is not just for yourself. Play it right and you might become the person you’re pretending to be.

Sex, money, and power. No, that’s not what you get this week. Let’s talk process-oriented, Scorp. Let’s talk Zen detachment. Sex, money and power are a brief lesson on the way to a higher understanding. Then again, if you have to pick a classroom, I guess you could do worse than having great orgasms in fancy restaurants.

Are your co-workers counting down the weeks ’til Christmas already? Does it make you mad? That’s because you have to finish something this year, and you’ve hardly begun. Right now is a good time to get moving. The world is handing you a bowlful of scissors. Time to cut a few of those strings.

Last week you realised you weren’t as badly thought of as you might have assumed. It’s tempting to go straight back out and make a new kind of crazy mess from your life, Cappy, but try and leave the games alone for another week at least. It’s not a great time to risk this closure on an idle fantasy.

Your annual full moon falls tonight. Climb an empty building to watch it rise, then go straight home before you get a chance to crack out the molotovs. It’s a good night for innovation in the bedroom, but the auspices are not so great for revolution in the streets. Babylon will burn just as easily next week, okay?

Having trouble convincing your peers that your plan to fly over Canberra in a giant, pig-shaped Zeppelin with the words Howard Can Win Number Five is as brilliant as you think it is? Perhaps you need to refine your message. Give the pig some specs and a comb-over, and one of those shiver-inducing smarmy grins.

Looking through a microscope makes you feel as if a lot’s going on. All those wriggling little cells are banging into each other, dividing and osmoting and whatnot. Trying to grow miniature lives in a series of Petri dishes is not going to make you happy. Get your eye out of the socket and try to see the big picture for a minute.

As Venus moves into your house of communication, you should find your ability to explain yourself improves. It’s a great week for writing grant applications, biographies and other paragraphs of shameless self-promotion. Who knows, folks might even believe you’re as good as you say you are.

The swing of planets is like a majestic ballroom-dancing dip this week. A brief spell of vertigo will fall upon you before you’re pulled back upright, into the spotlight, and spun around. Enjoy the moment, because it will probably end with both your left feet landing in your mouth.

At the Wyecliffe Well Roadhouse between Alice Springs and Tennant Creek, you can have your picture taken as a genuine alien. You can see actual photographs of the actual UFOs that the actual nutters, I mean hosts, have seen. All I’m saying is, I think you need to find others like you, Cancer, before they throw away the key.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.