A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics



Refreshment is more than a cola challenge. In this particular taste test, though, you picked the right cup. Instead of sugary caffeinated fizz, you’ve selected a drink that will quench your thirst for a while to come. Perhaps it will even wean you off that old addiction to artificial sweeteners, which incidentally were invented by the Nazis.


Luck and smarts might pull you through this game, but what you really need is the power of the collective. Relying on others is not exactly your strong point, but you’re going to need more than token audience participation. Share the stage; it will be confusing at first, but beautiful things usually are. Try not to play like England.


Look out, ’cause if that’s not an iceberg ahead, then I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. If it’s too late to change your course, you’re tempted to lie. Everyone’s going to die anyway, so why send them into a panic, right? Actually, you will survive, and when you do your captaincy will be judged on how you deal with this. Slushee, anyone?


Somewhere in every Libran there’s an extra circuit connecting reason to faith and heart to head. This is normally an advantage, but right now you want to have it surgically removed. Your housemate will find you crouched in the bathroom with a pair of pliers, muttering ‘the green wire! No, wait, the red one!’


Someone will give you a piece of fruit this week, and you will be tempted to throw it at them. Are you an instrument of divine retribution, or are you just being mean? If it’s a pear, it will squash without causing much injury, so why waste it? If it’s a tough old lemon, go the throw. I reserve my opinion on the custard apple and the persimmon.


As luck would have it, you are the recipient of a golden ticket through this week. Everything falls into place. You may actually find yourself relaxed and enjoying the glory. However, be wary of creepy Johnny Depp-as-Michael Jackson characters who want to give you candy and lead you away.


Poor old Jake Kovco; not only the indignity of a missing corpse, but now the whole nation knows he died singing along to the Cranberries. Take this as a warning to go through your records (sorry, ipod) and delete anything posthumously embarrassing. And always wear clean underwear when you cross the street.


You are beginning to take on a greenish tint. It is a glow of the kind that makes you terribly attractive to maniacs Rabbit-cookers, lone gunmen with a grudge, ministers of primary industry, that sort of thing. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider your involvement in the three mine policy review.


You are sick of going home to feed the dog when you’re right in the middle of cracking a story, so you start taking Rex to work disguised as a small child. Affordable childcare is hard to come by these days. Looks like collective bargaining is out the window too. When your boss complains, try threatening her with rabies.


Someone doesn’t want you to get your way. Normally I would suggest conflict resolution, consensus decision-making, or sly trickery, but none of them will work. The only thing that will is consistent pressure and a steadfast grip on the issue at stake. Eat some protein and get to the gym, ’cause you’re gonna have to arm-wrestle.


When a random person accosts you on the street and informs you of your all too visible perversion, you normally react by ignoring them. This week, I suggest you stop to express your gratitude. ‘Really?’ you

might say, ‘Thankyou so much for letting me know. Admitting you have a problem is the first step!’ Then skip away, cackling madly.


You have a grip on your emotions, and you don’t let crazy situations distract you. You know there’s no need to get involved. This internal focus helps you deal with the chaos, but it is only a temporary grace. You might even want to write yourself a note for later, so you can remember what it felt like.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.