A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


Winter isn't very tough in Cancerland. Of all the signs, you're the least prone to claustrophobia and the most likely to get things done in a domestic setting. This week looks to be a little more exciting than that. A serious shake-up will question the very foundations of your life path. You may even leave the house.



Today is the shortest day of the year, but you need every moment of it. Now's the time to follow through on last week's initiatives. Preferably while the body's still warm, because once they're stiff, they're so much harder to fit in the boot of a hatchback. Come to think of it, you should have got that station wagon. 



Unbidden glimpses of an alternative existence come to you fleetingly this week. One where discipline and structure are respected. Where detailed policy manuals are kept polished on accessible shelves and regularly updated. Where files are alphabetised and kept that way. Only you can make it happen. No-one else gives a rat's arse.



Your latest social distress is more easily solved than you think. You've been trying to be everything to everyone and failing miserably. To be honest, just being yourself has never really worked for you either. Why not try being David Hicks for a week? That ought to give you a bit of perspective.



You've been kicking that old rusty can down the street for months, but now you realise you don't have the heart for it anymore. You just lack the necessary fury to put the boot into an inanimate object. Let it lie, you'll do better walking unhindered. If you happen to be one of the Socceroos, please ignore this advice.



Love is a language. Your slow, meandering conversations aren't always speaking it. The autospell feature of your psyche is spitting out strange messages right now. Turn it off and go back to the old, hardbound dictionary gathering dust in a corner of your bookshelf. Mine informs me that a whiffletree is a swingletree. There you go.



You are very close to putting your foot down and making some changes around here. Unfortunately lots of other people in your life are thinking the same thing. If meetings aren't your bag, try blackmailing individuals into doing things your way. If that doesn't work, perhaps you could revive scalping in the workplace.



Well, don't say I didn't warn you. Things will be just a little haywire for the next five months. You're not busy so much as reacting to constant external stimuli. Fortunately, your body produces sufficient adrenaline to make crisis situations entertaining. If not, consider the cautious use of amphetamines. 



I have always harboured an image of you as one of those gurus who lives up a pole and maintains an inscrutable silence. As much as you need to communicate, you can often find indirect ways of doing so. I think you're going to need them this week, because there is not a lot of listening going on.



Calming down after the success is often harder than preparing for it. You are about as good at relaxing as Hurricane Katrina. Throwing yourself into meaningless work would be all too tempting right now. It would also be a more popular choice than option two, which is gloating. Take your pick.



That habit you have of laughing with your mouth full is really, really annoying. So is the way you tap your foot under the table. And that new shirt is giving me a headache. Want to tell me to shut up? Good. It's time to stop paying attention to petty criticism and start demanding some well-deserved appreciation.



Your call is important to us, and has been placed in a queue. Repeat. I'm reminding you of how awful that feels just so you know what you're about to do to most of your friends and relations over the next few days. Make sure you have your priorities straight, because not everyone will stay on hold.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.