A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics



A refreshing new way of thinking will spring up on you this weekend. A perspective flip will do things to your stomach that haven’t been done since you last went on the Zipper. You will feel quite purged afterwards, and ready to wipe your chin, grab some more month-old corn dogs and jump on the next ride.


Some genius spin-paramedic has bent the figures for you this week, but remember that as you tread out onto the podium, you are sashaying on eggshells. You need to think very smartly and negotiate carefully this week in order to come up trumps. Keep your wits about you and be ready for some double-dealing.


Your health will give you a good deal of alarm late in the week, so try the new Down To Earth Astrology diet. That’s the one where you have to eat your words. And your hat. Yep, you’ve been proved indubitably wrong. Steel yourself against an anticipated flurry of ‘I told you so’s from all corners.


While there is a great temptation for all of us to become more eccentric this year, Virgoans are feeling a little like the maypole. Everyone around you is dancing away in some olden day Paganfest, while you’re holding steady, keeping the group together, and generally feeling like a big old piece of wood. Stick with it! Ha.


If you are a member of Lordi, Finland’s devil-masked Eurovision winners, you will find yourself collecting a normal, healthy relationship this week. If you are a normal, healthy member of society, prepare your latex removal kit and start practising your Finnish. That’s all I’m saying.


Your circumstances are a little slow in catching up, but don’t fret; this week they should start to become as liberated as you are feeling on the inside. It’s been like watching a one-legged juggler with twelve chainsaws. Put them down. You don’t need to know any tricks, just patience.


Everything social is still going to swim until at least Thursday, when you might find yourself waking up out of a pleasant dream. Since the real world is so nightmarishly boring, I suggest you find the nearest convenient parallel universe and immerse yourself in it. Making travel plans will help mightily.


This weekend, everything will seem disproportionately, karmically wrong. Nuclear waste, neoconservatism, global warming, West Papua, this interminably shameful government, weigh heavily upon your shoulders. Are you blaming yourself too much? No, it really is all your fault. I think you owe us an apology.


Life swings like a circus spotlight this week, and your self-image moves accordingly. Where you were a clown, now you’re the ringmaster; where you were the tamer, now you’re the lion. Where you were the hot trapeze lady in a spangly leotard, now you’re the kid picking his nose in the third row.


I would like to begin, Pisces, with a piece of practical advice, but I am all too aware that you will react by giggling hysterically and scampering up the nearest tree. You are happily, charmingly, monkeyishly crazy. Probably a better time for recreational trespassing than job interviews.


Big movements, in the social sense, don’t have the power to destroy you. Because you adapt, you will survive with some remainder of credibility while all around you will end up washed-up, burnt-out ideological throwbacks. Just remember that while everyone wants to borrow your passion for their revolution.


Your travel plans are going to feel less like crazy, impossible schemes and more like crazy, impossible schemes that you’re going to do anyway. This is a very good week for the expansion of your capabilities, Taurus, so don’t go closing doors on new experiences. Take those tickets and run.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.