A Starguide for Skeptics and Cynics


After that ceremonial new moon, you’re feeling positively ordained. Look out, Raelians! Step aside, Non-Organised Swedenborgianists! Aquarians who don’t join a cult this week will start their own. Beware of aliens requiring castration, and make sure you hire one of those FBI negotiator robots before you barricade the compound.

As you regain consciousness you drop something from your right hand, which has stiffened into the shape of a remote control device. Since you will not be able to explain yourself until after the 8th, it may be politic to remain silent. At least until they torture you.

Gang wars erupt in your neighbourhood, filling your streets with decorative parades and proletarian fireworks (molotovs and burning cars). The situation forces you to pick a side. Despite what the papers say, draping yourself in the Strayan flag is totally wack.

If you keep chasing that red rag around you’ll be mistaken for a New Year dragon dancer and mauled by sugar-drunk children. By the 3rd you will remember why you got into this relationship in the first place. Maybe it was just to have a decent enemy close at hand, but it’s better than chasing rainbows.

I saw this sign on a telegraph pole this morning: ‘Lost Gemini. Not desexed. Answers to most questions. Last seen reading Spiderman comics under the bed, chewing nails and mumbling to self about cobweb problem.’ I wonder why they didn’t leave any contact details?

When you share in the lunar New Year festivities, try and be cautious with your spending. Remember last year how you ended up with so many glow sticks that your home drew a swarm of thirtysomething ravers? Don’t eat too many moon cakes this time, or you will wake up feeling like Bert Newton.

Failure as well as opportunity can be evidence of synchronicity. If the lights are always red, there is probably something you have to finish before you get where you’re going. The full moon on the 13th puts you back in black.

Did you know that the national level of alert is medium? Before you go plastering the windows, maybe you should think about getting out a bit more. Why not form a new community group? You could even try to get listed as a terrorist organisation!

You have been trying to get across Sydney using a map of medieval Constantinople. As Venus stops her retrograde on the 3rd, you will suddenly find the street directory. Sadly it’s the 1984 version and the Cross City Tunnel means you may do better with the first option.

You will be held responsible for what is an inherent flaw in group process: the lack of cohesive purpose. People only blame you because you unrelentingly point out the bitter truth. Hell, someone’s got to do it. They’ll respect you for it after the 11th, when you benefit from a bit of restructuring.

The year o’ the hound dog begins messy but confident. Your inherent qualities of messy confidence and confident messes will see you uplifted by circumstance to an exalted position. Make the most of your pulling power. Soon you’ll be back to cryin’ all the time.

The crisis is over, your heart slows down to normal, you’re released from the extraordinary stress of January. So why are you trying to find something else to give you anxiety attacks? Take up a pleasant, time-consuming hobby. It will distract you from the
fact that your life lacks real meaning.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.