a starguide for skeptics and cynics



Christmas is least favoured by Cappies; you get lumped with combined gifts and your annual attempts at refining your goals get overshadowed by the new year. It’s a good thing you’re thinking and communicating well this week, because fate is about to throw you in the deep end of a collective process. The group you’ll join will challenge you in ways that could redefine your very being.

All those weird non-relationships that you’ve been sustaining will give you something to think about while your family discuss their share returns and whether Uncle Boris has a drinking problem (he does). You can’t wriggle out of your commitments, but you can daydream yourself elsewhere. As your eyes glaze over mid-fantasy, remember your etiquette. Be careful not to toy with your nipples at the dinner table.

Karmic debt collectors are knocking at your door. Unfortunately you’re still getting lumped with interest repayments from your past life, when you were a Scorpio. Childhood logic will prevail: if you’re being punished, you might as well be bad, right? In the next couple of weeks, you get the chance to be more selfish, acid-tongued and predatory than ever before.

Bushfire season is almost upon us, and your flaming nature is more unpredictable than ever. If you haven’t done any controlled backburning over the last month, you could be in for a nasty surprise. The desire to break through a conspiracy of polite understatement makes you act impulsively. As your loved ones throw wet blankets at you, gently remind them that some seeds only sprout after fire.

You’re going to have a lovely Christmas. When the little ones crawl on your lap and spill your coffee, you’ll smile indulgently and ruffle their hair. When Great Aunt Daryl spits in the mars bar slice, you will gently lead her back to the loungeroom and put on the Wiggles video. You will comport yourself with serene tolerance and win everyone’s love and respect. I suggest you get that prescription filled before the shops close.

A University of Bath study recently found that little kids of all genders like to mutilate their Barbies. See? It’s perfectly normal. Armed with this knowledge, you’ll be able to deal with your family on much better terms. The next couple of days is a good time to remind yourself who you are before you enter the fray. The New Year will shine a new light on your love life, but won’t make it any less complicated.

Your Christmas, despite the best preparations in the world, is going to be overshadowed by the beginning of a great story in your own life. The New Year brings a chance to chuck out the old shell and grow a new one. I hear hypercolour is coming back in (I saw it in K-mart). However, I’d suggest something that doesn’t stain or need a great deal of ironing; personal growth is a messy affair.

The sun is at its furthest south as it slides from the house of philosophy in to that of ambition. It’s a good time to consolidate your goals, but the solstice is also a healthy reminder that we’re riding on a big ball of wet rock hurtling through space at an odd angle, and that Homo sapiens is basically a motivated species of slime mould. Got your perspective? Now send out some spores and see what happens.

Hideous Christmas ornaments abound in your peripheral vision. Normally this would set you on a rant about capitalist excess and the pressures of White cultural norms in a society with hypocritical self-talk about diversity. These days it makes you feel kinda teary. Either you’re getting old, Virgo, or it’s a good time to set about redecorating your emotional tree, lighting your emotional menorah, or sacrificing your emotional goat.

Next year your wages will fall, your job prospects will slide, your welfare cheque will evaporate, your neighbours will be deported, your street bombed by Neo-Nazis, and you’ll be arrested for seditious behaviour. So what are you getting so miserable about? It’s not the right time of year to carry the world around on your shoulders like some celestial turtle. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.

When the police commissioner starts talking about the spirit of Christmas, you know you’re having a bizarre couple of weeks. It should all blow over by the 30th, when the strange karmic reflux you’ve been having lately is replaced by a series of unusual events. Metaphorical anvils will fall from the sky of your inner world and just miss your head. This should startle you into the realisation that for once, you know what you’re doing.

When Santa brings you a lump of coal for Christmas, throw it on the barbie. He’s having a go at you; you’re the one who thinks you’ve been bad. That lump of coal is a cleverly disguised opportunity. It could become a catalyst in the alchemical reaction you’ve been looking for. If you think about it, there’s a way to fulfill your desires without letting anyone else down.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.