A starguide for skeptics and cynics


So you missed out, so what? The anxiety attacks that are coming back are a sign of something much older. This is a chance to clean up that old fear, trouble or mistake from your past. By next week you’ll be able to say ‘I regret nothing’ with the conviction of a Piaf. And not, say, that of an Eichmann.



You might have wasted the last year doing what you’re supposed to be doing according to everyone else, but now’s the time to escape the role you’ve found yourself in. Eccentric, compulsive behaviour will be excusable for the next seven days. Get out the bolt cutters, cause there’s gonna be a jailbreak!

Mercury’s position makes it a good time to write that grant proposal, job application, or letter to your local MP. Maybe this time you’ll send it off instead of deciding to spend all night sitting there with a blue pencil and a frown making sure it’s perfect. Buy stamps, then get a life, already.

Why are you still doing your tax return? It’s already late. Sadly for Aquarians this is a very good week for conducting all those fidgety life administration tasks that you normally let slide. Get the red tape out of the way while you’ve got such uncharacteristic focus. Inspiration will be right back after these messages.

Before you go wandering around alone at night, maybe you should start listening to all those people who tell you how dangerous it is to go wandering around alone at night. There’s a serial pedophiliac kidnapper on the loose, and in certain lights you still look 12. Stay home and have those nightmares you need instead.

You’re positively bursting with new ideas this week. You’re also far too busy to start anything new, so make sure you carry a notebook and a big cup of coffee. Like the karate kid, you’re about to realise that you’re in charge of what you’re learning, not your teacher but that won’t extend any deadlines.

You’ll discover a rare capacity to charm your way out of trouble this week, but it will wear off. Until it does, it’s a good time to conduct research, chuck a sickie, or fare evade. Don’t be over-confident, as dumb luck won’t help you. It’s all about calculated risks: skinny dipping is fine, but swim between the flags.

Friends and relations insisting they know what’s best for you? I’m sorry to break it to you, but they probably do. As one door closes, another one slams shut. This is the universe telling you you’re not supposed to be in control. Close your eyes and let someone else take the wheel for a while then you can blame them for any future collisions.

This week you’re a better communicator than usual, which may mean we see your fellow Cancerian George W string a coherent sentence together. Use the time to construct convincing justifications and eloquent excuses for everything you stuffed up over the last few months. Did someone say hurricane relief?

When I was a kid, I used to run around the hurdles in sports rather than jumping them. PE teachers eventually tired of telling me off. I suggest a similar tactic for Leos this week, as irritating obstacles to realising your dreams just keep cropping up. Let’s hope nobody’s watching as you cheat your way around the course.

Your current love interest may be secretly plotting your demise, but little do they know you’re one step ahead. Fortunately, those intricate mechanics will take so long to perfect you’ll have broken up with him/her long before you actually get to use your evil revenge machine. Leave the rage rusting in a drawer, but stock up on WD-40 just in case.

‘If you tolerate this, then your children will be next,’ the Manics once said. Librans who don’t have their teeth stuck into fighting the new terrorist legislation are too busy making full use of the springtime. Children really will be next if you’re not careful. Go chain yourself to something other than your bedposts.

Launched in 2004, New Matilda is one of Australia's oldest online independent publications. It's focus is on investigative journalism and analysis, with occasional smart arsery thrown in for reasons of sanity. New Matilda is owned and edited by Walkley Award and Human Rights Award winning journalist Chris Graham.