Taurus
This week, you become a much better communicator, which is timely, as you will have to make some intelligent decisions about money. The planets are in favour of reaching consensus, so don’t give up too easily, or lingering dissatisfactions with what has been compromised will bug you for the rest of the week.
Gemini
Your mind is at its brightest from this weekend, as Mercury comes home to roost in your sign. Sadly, Venus has already left by the back door and is unlikely to return for her discarded undergarments. I suggest you use those ample wits of yours to trick people into liking you more.
Cancer
As our favourite Cancerian George W meets Her Majesty the Queen, you too will be pleasantly surprised by acceptance from a representative of the establishment. She will even disregard your lack of manners and inability to make a decent cup of tea, in light of the dangerous-madman-with-nuclear-weapons factor.
Leo
While handing down your 12th budget, you feel like a benevolent king bestowing trinkets on his loyal subjects. For a moment you let your imagination drift into period-costumed fantasies, before being reminded that you are actually a glorified accountant behaving like a washed-up game show host desperate for ratings.
Virgo
Ambitions begin to rise this week, as your rivals seem more desperate than usual. Remember the parable of Icarus? Now remember that those Ancient Greeks hadn’t heard of aeroplanes. You have the technological advantage, at least until the petrol runs out, so use it.
Libra
Last week I compared your situation to that of Libran Ehud Olmert, and the analogy continues, because you too have narrowly escaped failure in a very public manner. Don’t fret too much you can always apply for a position as the President of Turkey, since no-one else seems to want it.
Scorpio
There is not too much going on, which is frustrating for Scorpios who are currently a little restless, to say the least. The worst thing you can do right now is commit to anything long-term. Instead, try practising the art of saying ‘I don’t know’ to yourself. Eventually it sounds like an affirmation.
Sagittarius
At times, fame is a fickle mistress just look at the recent history of Sagittarian Britney ‘666’ Spears. However, now that the divorce is finalised, she’s free to go in a new, Fed-less direction. You too have a chance to turn disaster and public humiliation to your advantage this week. Cream pie can taste pretty good, you know.
Capricorn
This week will feel like hard work. It will take most of it to work out that your efforts are being deliberately blocked by an enemy or rival who pretends to be your friend. Now that you’re good and suspicious, you can advance more ruthlessly. Who the hell needs ruth anyway?
Aquarius
You wake up with a shocking hangover after playing budget night drinking games. It’s your own fault; you should have used a key word other than ‘families’. You spend the week writing letters to Costello arguing that he should continue to subsidise petrol because ‘we will all need to gas ourselves if you guys get back in.’
Pisces
The Piscean ego expresses itself in unusual ways at the best of times. Right now you have a mistaken sense that leaving rakes and banana peels lying around will make you popular. Personally I agree that slapstick is the new irony. I just don’t think the rest of the world is ready.
Aries
It will be a very odd week for you, with a restless urge to flee your responsibilities, but a strange incapacity to do anything about it. It’s like one of those dreams where you want to run but can’t move your legs. You’ll get your abilities back by this time next week. In the meantime, borrow an elderly person’s wheelchair.
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