Meet Cosmo VonArrogant, The World’s First ‘AI Insult Astrologer’ (Guaranteed To Be As Full Of Sh*t As A Human One)

At New Matilda, we’re still trying to work out how we might incorporate Artificial Intelligence into our stubbornly independent operations, if at all. It’s fair to say it’s a work in progress. While we ponder, NM editor Chris Graham has found at least one useful ‘purpose’, particularly if you happen to believe that your future is written in the stars by a toxic, anti-vaxxing hippy activist.

I’m going to let New Matilda readers in on a little secret… and if you’re also a regular reader of the Daily Mail, the Daily Telegraph, the Sunday Telegraph, or the Herald Sun, then, firstly, wtf are you doing here? And secondly, you might want to sit down for this.

Jonathan Chainer, the high-profile British astrologer who provided horoscopes for those publications for several decades, was a fraud.

You know, like all astrologers are.

How do I know this? And why am I telling you this now? Well, to answer the second question first, because Cainer died in 2016, and dead men can’t sue. Not even ones with ‘mystical astrological powers’. As for the first question, in the early 2000s, Cainer approached a close friend of mine, who was a bit of a tech genius, before it was fashionable to be a bit of a tech genius. Let’s just call my friend ‘Kevin’.

Cainer asked Kevin if he could write some computer code that could create a “random sentence generator”. And why, you might ask, would any self-respecting astrologer want software that could randomly generate words?

Well, obviously because Chainer could then just hit a button, and wander off for a chardonnay while his computer generated the stars for the unsuspecting readers of the aforementioned publications.

Of course, in 2004, AI wasn’t anywhere near capable of generating coherent sentences, yet alone ‘believable’ (a term I’m obviously using very loosely here) astrological predictions. Thus, Kevin politely informed Jonathon that it couldn’t be done. At least not in a way that wouldn’t expose Jonathan for the gigantic Pommy fraud that he was.

So Jonathan went away disappointed, but asked Kevin to never disclose what they’d discussed. Unfortunately for Jonathan… Kevin disclosed what they discussed. To me.

In any event, 20 years later, and eight years after Jonathan’s timely demise from a heart attack at the tender of age 58 (given his obvious loved of deep-fried foods, you didn’t need to be an astrologer to predict that outcome) we can now do what Kevin and Jonathon couldn’t. We can generate random sentences that make sense.

And so, without further adieu… New Matilda has employed (at the bargain basement rate of $20 USD per month) ChatGPT 4.0, who will, among other things, generate us a weekly astrology column. Because, why not? ChatGPT is going to be as ‘accurate’ as any human ‘astrologer’ could be, but Chat will take one-gazillionth of the time, and cost considerably less.

For our opening salvo, we asked Chat to focus on politics, climate change and asylum seekers. We also asked Chat to assume the persona of a toxic, hippy activist. In order to increase the level of arrogance, we made Chat watch 20 years of speeches by former Liberal minister Eric Abetz, and to ratchet up the ‘toxic hippy’ part, we sent Chat to troll the Instagram accounts of Australians living ‘mindfully’ in Bali. And voila… introducing ‘Cosmo VonArrogant, the world’s first AI Insult Astrologer’ (Patent Pending).

Here goes literally nothing….

 

Aries (The Headfirst Trainwreck)

Oh, Aries, you fiery wrecking ball. This month, your go-to strategy of head-butting problems (and people) might just leave you with a headache bigger than your ego. Climate change? You’re on it like a bull in a china shop, ready to reduce, reuse, and recycle your way to victory, one temper tantrum at a time. As for asylum seekers, you’re all heart, ready to fight in their corner, just as soon as you’re done arguing with everyone else about the best way to do it. Remember, Aries, even a wrecking ball can create something new, provided it doesn’t knock itself out in the process.

 

Taurus (The Gluttonous Sloth King)

Taurus, your love affair with your couch is more stable than most of your relationships. This month, consider the climate change documentary you watched between naps as a call to action. Maybe move a muscle or two for the greater good? As for asylum seekers, you’re ready to open your home, so long as they don’t touch the thermostat or your snack stash. Time to show the world that your stubbornness can be a force for good, just as soon as you muster the energy to get up.

 

Gemini (The Duplicitous Gasbag)

Gemini, your ability to debate both sides of any argument is unparalleled, mostly because you forget which side you’re on halfway through. Climate change is real, and so is your commitment to changing your profile pic to support it [Ouch – Ed], but how about also remembering to turn off the lights? Your take on asylum seekers is equally nuanced; you’re all for opening borders, especially if it makes for good conversation over dinner. Try sticking to one opinion long enough to make a difference, or at least until the end of this horoscope.

 

Cancer (The Caring Heart)

Cancer, in a sea of chaos, your kindness shines like a beacon of hope. Your empathy for the plight of the planet and those seeking asylum is as deep as the ocean. This month, your genuine concern and willingness to help will make a tangible difference in the lives of others. Your compassionate nature reminds everyone that amidst the turmoil, there’s a gentle soul working tirelessly to heal, support, and nurture. You’re the unsung hero, the warm hug in a cold world, proving that kindness is the greatest strength of all.

 

Leo (The Mirror-Hogging Megalomaniac)

Leo, you love the spotlight more than cats love catnip. This month, try using your considerable charisma for something other than self-promotion. Yes, climate change is a big deal, but no, it’s not just a stage for your solo performance. And while you’re at it, supporting asylum seekers could use a bit more of your heart and a bit less of your headshot. Remember, true leadership is about making others shine, not just adding sparkle to your crown.

 

Virgo (The Perfectionist Pain in the Arse)

Virgo, your attention to detail is so intense, you probably have a plan for organising your sock drawer by colour and season. How about applying that meticulous energy to something that matters, like climate action or refugee support? Yes, we know, the devil is in the details, but so is the opportunity to make a real difference. Maybe ease up on the criticism and focus on being part of the solution. Or, at least try not to judge the rest of us too harshly. [Ed’s note: I genuinely know nothing about astrology, but you Virgos sound awful.]

 

Libra (The Flaky Flip-Flopper Extraordinaire)

Libra, balancing every option like a circus performer, this month your indecision reaches new heights. Climate change? Asylum seekers? You see all sides but commit to none, making you about as effective as a chocolate teapot. Perhaps it’s time to pick a lane and stick to it, even if it means occasionally standing up for something without a safety net. Who knows, taking a stand might just be your most likeable trait yet.

 

Scorpio (The Conniving Soul-Sucker)

Scorpio, you’re so intense, you could probably scare off climate change with a single glare. This month, your passion for uncovering hidden truths could actually make a splash, provided you use it to spotlight environmental issues and not just to win arguments on the internet. As for asylum seekers, your protective instincts are admirable, but remember, not everyone enjoys being guarded by a human fortress. Lighten up a tad; saving the world doesn’t always require a battle stance.

 

Sagittarius (The Commitment-Phobic Wanderer)

Sagittarius, your commitment issues are so notorious, even stray cats think twice before following you home. This month, why not surprise us all by sticking to something? Climate change and asylum seeker support could use a champion who doesn’t change causes like they change socks. Your adventurous spirit could inspire many, if only it didn’t wander off halfway through the mission. Stay the course; you might just discover a purpose beyond your next adventure.

 

Capricorn (The Dictatorial Dullard)

Capricorn, your idea of a wild time probably involves rearranging your file cabinet. This month, try unleashing that inner control freak on something worthwhile, like combating climate change or advocating for asylum seekers. Yes, we know, chaos is your kryptonite, but maybe, just maybe, you can plan and organise your way into making a real difference. Who knows? You might just find that saving the world can be added to your resume as a special skill.

 

Aquarius (The Off-the-Deep-End Oddball)

Aquarius, you’re so unconventional, aliens might feel mainstream in comparison. This month, your quirky approach to life could actually bring fresh perspectives to climate change and asylum seeker issues, if only you could communicate in a way the rest of us earthlings understand. Try to channel your inner genius into actionable ideas rather than conspiracy theories. The world needs innovative solutions, not just another eccentric with a soapbox.

 

Pisces (The Slippery Sob Story)

Pisces, you’re so sensitive, a sad movie could send you into an existential crisis. This month, try turning those tears into action. Yes, climate change is overwhelming, and the asylum seeker crisis is heartbreaking, but your empathy could be a powerful catalyst for change. Instead of drowning in your feelings, use them to fuel your passion for making a difference. Just remember to come up for air; even a fish needs to swim to move forward.