Pre-emptive Strike: The Official 137-Page ‘Rules Of Soccer’… For Piers Morgan And The Whinging Poms


If past behaviour is any predictor of future behaviour – and let’s face it, in this case it definitely is – then by this time tomorrow, the Poms are going to be screaming blue murder about how they were ‘robbed’ of a berth in the world cup finals, and how ‘the Aussies cheated’, and how… blah blah blah.

Earlier this year, when Australia retained the Ashes, in part by running out an English batsman who had wandered, like an idiot, out of his crease, it sparked an ‘international incident’ that seemed to drone on forever.

And by ‘international incident’, we mostly just mean British shock jock Piers Morgan leading a weeks-long British temper tantrum over yet another English sporting failure.

So, with the Matildas shaping up against the English Lionesses this evening in the World Cup semi-final, it’s important we not only prepare ourselves for the inevitable Grand English Sulk, but that we make sure the rules are out there in advance for everyone to read, so that the Poms can’t say they weren’t warned, and have one less thing to blame for their inevitable choke.

And so here they are: the official FIFA ‘rules of soccer’… all 137-pages of them. It’s particularly worth noting the ‘offside rule’, which is detailed at length on page 36, and often tend to be a source of controversy, when the Poms need it to be.

Rules of Soccer

So entrenched and creative is British whinging that it’s impossible to known in advance what they’ll object to after their loss, but chief among the Poms’ heckles is likely to be allegations of dirty play on the part of the Matildas, and the cry of ‘Same old Aussies, always cheating’ (this is what the English crowd levelled against our men’s cricket team, who, to be fair to the Poms, do actually have a recent history of cheating).

It’s worth remembering tomorrow morning that their star forward, Lauren James, is missing from tonight’s match-up because she stomped on the back of a Nigerian player last week, and was suspended by FIFA for two games, something which, of course, the Poms claimed was part of a massive conspiracy (never mind the fact a Nigerian player was suspended for three games for a similar offence).

In any event, these are the bridges we’ll have to cross tomorrow, as Australians drink the tears of another bitter English loss. Go the Maltidas!!

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