If Alan Jones Was A Climate Activist…



Kirk Owers dreams of a better world. One where shock-jocks surprise not for the depth of their ignorance, but for their inspiring activism, unshakeable commitment to equality and social justice, lustrous beards and sensible shoes. Ever the optimist, Kirk has penned an ‘alternate transcript’ of Sydney radio personality Alan Jones’ response to the climate crisis gripping our nation.

Good morning, 2GB listeners. I want to talk about the bushfires again. They are making headlines around the world now. The international community are fed up.

They demand Australian take more action on climate. Of course, they’re right. I’ve been saying this for years.

You remember when I had friend of 2GB, Professor Tim Flannery on the show. 15 years ago, he warned Australia was going to get hotter and drier, run out of water and be razed by terrifying bushfires and only support a population of 12 million. Because of climate change. Did we listen? No, our conservative commentators – odious mouth-breathers the lot of them – called him an alarmist and sold you a bedtime story.

Australian of the Year. Professor Tim Flannery. Do you believe that? Well, the alarm bells are ringing now Australia! Can you hear them? They sound like sirens. Are you finally joining the dots?

The Great Barrier Reef is bleached and half dead. It’s getting hotter every other year. The Murray is choked with dead fish. The drought is now the worst in our country’s history. Farmers are falling down dead in despair.

We’ve lost, what, a billion native animals in these unprecedented nightmarish fires. And who is leading this once great country?

Scotty from Marketing they’re calling him. A coal-cuddling light weight. An aloha-shirt wearing spin merchant. A Pentecostal Christian who worships money and greed. You know, like Jesus.

What the shit’s wrong with you Scott Morrison? Have you no shame? Here’s a question for you Prime Minister: What is our path to zero emissions? Where are we going? Do you even know? Can you look the next generation of Australians in the eye and explain your push for massive fossil fuel expansion while the planet slow-boils?

You’re in the dark without a torch Prime Minister. Do we need to get you on the end of a shovel burying dead koalas? Would that focus your tiny mind?

Listen: Australia has been playing with fuel and matches and ignoring the warnings. It’s blown up in our face. We now we have no eyebrows. They may never grow back.

Look in the mirror, Australia. Where are your eyebrows, Australia? This is our very last chance. Take to the streets, Australia.

Fight for your country, Australia.

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Kirk Owers is a freelance writer and photographer based in Pacific Palms on the NSW mid-north coast. Kirk’s work has appeared in over 20 publications including The SMH, Tracks, Surfer’s Journal, Monster Children and Get Lost. Kirk has been writing about environmental issues for Tracks for 15 years.