It’s Like When You Pee In Public Pools: An Alternative Guide To Understanding Climate Change



SUB-TITLE: Understanding The Science Of Climate Change And Its Impact On Bushfires Through A Rigorous And Evidence-Based Analysis Of How Greenies Ruined The World By Peeing In Public Swimming Pools. By Chris Graham.

Around the world, Greenies are known free-wheelers. They like to care about things too much, they take drugs and wile away their hours judging other people, they sit around in circles in the dirt and talk about their feelings, they prevent back-burning operations, and, generally speaking, they adopt a ‘live and let live’ attitude to life.

Greenies also happen to be notorious for peeing in public places. Particularly swimming pools. This is especially the case in Australia. Here, it is a national sport.

This is their rationale: ‘I’m already in the water, man. It’s just a little bit of pee. It’s not going to hurt anyone…’

Years ago, when there weren’t as many people on earth, and there were a lot more public swimming pools (before the Greens got into power and launched savage cuts to public services), the Greenies would have been correct.

But we live in different, difficult, dangerous times now. This story is about those times.

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For years, Greenies refused to accept that what they were actually doing was causing harm to public pools. Not to mention everyone’s basic sense of public decency.

This is despite the fact that 98 per cent of the world’s leading public health officials, plus Fox News, had long agreed – since at least the 1960s, when free love and public peeing was just becoming a thing – that dirty stinking hippies pissing in public pools was a serious risk to health and humanity.

The Greenies were undeterred. They wee-ed freely, regardless. And as public opposition grew – as people cottoned on to their hedonist ways – some of them got organised.

Greenies all over the world began to found think-tanks which cast doubt on the science of pool peeing. They funded lobbyists to pressure politicians. They put their own people in power who were either known public pee-ers, or closeted ones. Or ones who would just accept cash to turn a blind eye.

Most effectively of all, they accused anyone who accepted the science of ‘pee emissions’ as being ‘uptight, man’.

That was, until a few years back, when respected Australian journalist Andrew Bolt shared this bombshell on his wildly popular Sky News program: Scientists confirm worst fears about pee in pools.

Now is not the time nor place to dive deeply into the science of pool peeing, but briefly, the greatest minds on earth proved that for every million litres of fluid in a public pool, roughly 100 litres of it was piss.

After years spent denying the problem, and the looming disaster, Greenies were suddenly confronted with the reality that the science, and the popular consensus, were winning the day. The facts were starting to overwhelm – peeing in public pools was a dirty fucking thing to do.

So they reluctantly agreed that public pool peeing should be phased out. Eventually. Not straight away. That would be reckless.

And yet, in the face of this new science, somehow pool-pee emissions from Greens actually increased. Especially in Australia.

Here, things are different. Here, our Greens fought back. While understanding that they could no longer publicly deny the science, our Greenies formulated new and innovative ways to slow the drop in pee emissions, and to confuse average citizens: ‘If we stop peeing in public swimming pools, it won’t make any difference because lots of other people around the world still pee in public pools. Especially the Nordics.’

And so while most of the rest of the world started to lift their weight, in Australia the Greenies just continued their ‘lifestyle’ – focussing on useless things like crystals, and yes, peeing in public pools, with open, outrageous, almost flamboyant abandon.

(By Lindsay Foyle)

But science has a way of being heard. And so do hero journalists like Andrew Bolt. With the backing of the world’s great thinkers, he re-doubled his efforts to convince the nation of the merits of science, and he publicly dreamed of a country where Greenies got up out of the pool, and went to the toilet like everyone else.

Andrew had set in train an unstoppable force called science towards an immoveable object called Moonbeam (or Harmony… or Meadow… or whatever stupid hippie name grabs your fancy).

And so targets were set. Leaders from around the world met… in Kyoto, in Paris, in Copehagen, and lots of other exotic places, where they agreed that Greenies would only pee in pools about as much as they did 20-odd years ago.

But this only hardened the resistance in some sections of the Australian Greens. The urine-deniers were unbowed. Unlike others, they understood that as one of the world’s largest users and exporters of pools, a serious drop in global pool-pee emissions also meant a serious blow to the Australian economy. Not to mention the ability to just relax and enjoy yourself in public, all over everyone else.

Having been in power for most of the past century, the Greens came up with increasingly clever ways to cut corners. Some of it was simple accountancy tricks, but they also occasionally staged bold and daring public events, like peeing in pools from the high-dive, and then jumping into the yellow plume and acting like nothing was wrong.

This fight-back was led by left-wing media commentators, themselves secret pool pee-ers, but also, most notably by our leaders themselves… our Prime Minister, at the time, of course, having been a notorious public urinator who gained infamy for his performance in a McDonalds toilet in Engadine after the Sharks lost the 1997 NRL grand final.

And then, in the Summer of 2020, everything changed. Disaster struck. Shit got real. The inevitable happened. The chips were down. Someone had flown a flag up a flagpole to see who would salute… etc etc.

Point being, the thing that scientists and News Corporation columnists had long warned of, came true: Pools all over the nation started tasting like piss.

And yet, even still, the Greenies, while shaken, were not stirred. At least, not stirred into wee abstinence nor action.

They started denying the science again: “The taste of pee in public swimming pools has got nothing to do with people peeing in them,” they replied. “They’re completely unrelated.”

Even as the public health disaster unfolded and pools around the nation, one by one, turned yellow, the Greens held on… although not in the pools, obviously. They kept peeing there.

They blamed conservatives for creating red tape and preventing local councils from testing for urine. They blamed the local councils themselves for not refreshing the water in the pools often enough.

And then, in one final act of bastardry, the Greens Prime Minister went for a holiday in Fiji, and pissed in all their pools as well, just because he could (and then he lied about it. And then he flew home and apologized, then blamed his kids, and then forced himself on women and children as he toured the devastated pools of rural and regional Australia).

But even as he did so, our leader held the Greens party line: “We are in the middle of a national emergency. Now is NOT the time to talk about people peeing in public swimming pools.”

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There is a moral to this story, a lesson to be learned. In the end, the great minds of our scientific institutions, plus the local council lifeguards, won the day. But there’s was a pyrrhic victory.

While they proved that Australia’s bushfires were inextricably linked to climate change… no wait, sorry… while they proved that peeing in public swimming pools was directly linked to the taste of urine in the water, it was all too little, too late.

Our countrymen, and possibly the chicks as well, have always understood that we ‘swim at our own risk’. That ours is a vast and dangerous land.

But today, the pools of this nation lie empty.

We did too little, too late.

And so now we mostly just take overseas holidays and piss in foreign pools. No biggie.

* You can troll the author of this story on Facebook here, and Twitter here. He has promised to retire from public life and never write again if 5,000 people donate money to New Matilda through the button below, or subscribe here.

Chris Graham is the publisher and editor of New Matilda. He is the former founding managing editor of the National Indigenous Times and Tracker magazine. In more than three decades of journalism he's had his home and office raided by the Australian Federal Police; he's been arrested and briefly jailed in Israel; he's reported from a swag in Outback Australia on and off for years. Chris has worked across multiple mediums including print, radio and film. His proudest achievement is serving as an Associate producer on John Pilger's 2013 film Utopia. He's also won a few journalism awards along the way in both the US and Australia, including a Walkley Award, a Walkley High Commendation and two Human Rights Awards. Since late 2021, Chris has been battling various serious heart and lung conditions. He's begun the process of quietly planning a "gentle exit" after "tying up a few loose ends" in 2024 and 2025. So watch this space.