Workers Bad! Banks Good: The Official Top 10 Slogans For Turnbull 2016

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Every good election campaign needs a good slogan. And every bad one does as well. Liam McLoughlin unleashes the world-wide investigative resources of New Matilda to bring you the Top 10 slogans that are likely to get Malcolm Turnbull re-elected. Or not.

For the man who invented innovation, the Prime Minister has quite some trouble creating his own campaign slogans.

There were chuckles galore when it turned out “Continuity With Change” came straight from US comedy Veep, chosen by the writers because it was the “most meaningless election slogan we could think of”.

Chuckles turned to anger when Turnbull told us to “live within our means”, certainly an easier task with $200 million to your name. Turns out it’s yet another meaningless, smug, stolen slogan, this time from David Cameron’s 2015 UK election campaign.

US presidential candidate for the Republican Party, Donald Trump. (IMAGE: Gage Skidmore, Flickr)
US presidential candidate for the Republican Party, Donald Trump. (IMAGE: Gage Skidmore, Flickr)

It seems conservatism and plagiarism are natural bedfellows. Just ask Donald Trump, whose 2016 election slogan, Make America Great Again, is lifted from Ronald Reagan’s 1980 presidential campaign.

So in the spirit of the great conservatives, I’ve dusted off some old political slogans to give the Prime Minister a range of options for the upcoming election.

 

1. I Still Like Malcolm

In 1952 Dwight D. Eisenhower used “I Like Ike” as his campaign slogan and defeated democrat Adlai Stevenson. Four years later, original thought was hard, so he went with “I Still Like Ike. He’s Good Enough For Me”.

“I Still Like Malcolm” would capture all those voters who still like the PM despite his seven-month campaign to convince them otherwise.

 

2. Real Plans For Real People

George Bush’s successful 2000 election slogan could work well, especially in conjunction with some kind of election stealing strategy.

Such a bold statement from the Liberal Party to engage in reality would be a refreshing change from their climate slogan, “Fake Plans For Real Problems”, and their economic slogan, “Real Plans For Fake People: Corporations”.

 

3. Meow Is The Time

Limberbutt McCubbins is a real-life feline candidate for the Presidential nomination in 2016. McCubbins is a “Demo-cat” and a big fan of puns.

Adopting this slogan would require the PM dressing up in a cat suit for all 10 weeks of the election campaign. Still, it would distract everyone from his planet-destroying policies. And people do love cat videos. Here’s one to distract you (see what we did there!?!)

 

4. Are You Thinking What We Are Thinking?

The Tories took this sizzler to the 2005 election. They lost.

Unless the Turnbull government is thinking “We really are the worst government in history. Even we are surprised by how much we suck,” then the answer from most voters will be “probs not”. Rhetorical questions are a risk, but still, this one is at least better than “Why Do I Make Such A Terrible Prime Minister?”

 

5. Don’t Be A Girly Man. Vote Liberal.

If it’s good enough for the Terminator, it should be good enough for Malcolm.

 

6. Lick Dick In ‘16

In 1992, drag queen Joan Jett Blakk announced her campaign for president as a candidate for the Queer Nation Party. The opposing candidate names were kind to Joan, facing off against George H.W. Bush with “Lick Bush In ‘92” and against William Jefferson Clinton with “Lick Slick Willie In ’96”.

Conveniently the Opposition Leader’s full name is William Richard Shorten so the PM can choose from “Lick Dick In ‘16” or “Lick Willie In ’16”.

 

7. We Want Pig

At the Democratic National Convention in 1968, the Youth International Party (Yippies) presented “Pigasus The Immortal”, a 72kg pig, as their candidate for President of the United States. The Yippies demanded secret service protection and a foreign policy briefing at the White House for Pigasus. These demands were not met.

While “We Want Pig” does make more sense than “Continuity With Change”, there are doubts the Liberal Party is ready for the intellectual step up from “Stop The Boats”.

 

8. We Can Be Decisive, Probably

Comedian Pat Paulsen ran for president in 1968 as a candidate for the Straight Talking American Government (STAG) Party. Some of his most notable slogans were “United We Sit”, “If Elected, I Will Win” and “We Can Be Decisive, Probably”.

Little did he know how perfectly the latter slogan would fit an Australian PM nearly 50 years later.

 

9. Vote For Insanity – You Know It Makes Sense

screaming-lord-sutchScreaming Lord Sutch was a musician who became famous for losing 40 elections in Britain. As a candidate for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, his insanity slogan was fitting for his campaign platform of using joggers on treadmills to generate electricity, converting coal-mines to bungee jumping centres (and forcing politicians to test them) and feeding phosphorescent food to dogs to illuminate their excretion.

If only the Liberal Party’s excretions were as illuminating.

 

10. Workers Bad! Banks Good!

As yet unused in any election campaign, this slogan has the advantage of honestly representing the government.

Sadly for Turnbull, the catchy alternatives “Fuck Workers” and “How Great Are Rich People?!” have already been used by previous Liberal campaigns.

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Liam McLoughlin

Liam McLoughlin teaches English, politics, and media, and writes a bit. You can find his stuff at Situation Theatre or on Facebook and Twitter. He still can’t decide which quote is more profound: Karl Marx’s “It is not the consciousness of men that determines their existence, but their social existence that determines their consciousness” or Stewart Lee’s “David Cameron and Ed Milliband are about as different as two rats fighting over a courgette that has fallen into a urinal. The main difference being that the David Cameron rat is wearing chinos, in an attempt to win over the youth voter”.

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