Tony Abbott And Peter Dutton Must Go, In Order To Save Realism And Civilisation


The realists among us know many things, not least of all that even though we’re all expendable, some of us are more expendable than others. Mathew Kenneally explains.

It will be hard for him to accept, but it is a reality. Tony Abbott must leave Parliament. Peter Dutton should follow him. Australia no longer needs them. These men are needed to save European civilisation from the scourge of immigration.

You read it first here, a few others read it behind the pay-wall in The Australian (at least the editorial committee).

According to The Australian, Australia is still the lucky country, lucky to be governed by the “realistic right” who stopped the boats. Less lucky is Europe, currently led by idealists like Angela Merkel who fail to see the threat immigration poses to “civilization”.

Former prime minister Tony Abbott.
Former prime minister Tony Abbott.

To Europe it might come as a surprise that open society’s saviors would be Australians, Dutto a man suspicious of due process and the rule of law, and Abbott, a “muscular catholic” who finds homosexuality uncomfortable.

To Australians, it’s no surprise. Australia was founded to deal with the problem of excess people. It’s one of our things: hills hoist; vegemite; warehousing people.

In Australia we’ve seen the magic of stopping the boats, and the many benefits of boats stopping, too numerous and wonderful to be properly listed here, by the Government, or explained clearly by anyone.

Suffice to say, Australian society is secure, provided we can find a market for iron ore.

What then is the “realistic right”?

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. (IMAGE: Christliches Medienmagazin, Flickr)
German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. (IMAGE: Christliches Medienmagazin, Flickr)

It begins with how to address the horrific attacks in Cologne. An idealistic reader might feel she is not well informed enough to make a judgment. Realists know the only response is to leap to yesterday’s conclusions. Media narratives don’t wait for details. We must blame Syrian refugees for the attacks today, lest the facts make it impossible to blame them tomorrow.

An idealist suggests that Europe cannot stop the flow of people across the Mediterranean. A realist, steeped in the Australian experience, knows that all you need is an armada of orange dingies, and heaps of islands. Greece can look forward to an economic stimulus.

Idealists might question whether liberal Europeans could tolerate the inhumanity of locking people up indefinitely. Realistic rightists like Dutto know they will not, which is why you have to do it in secret. Transparency is like free GP visits, a luxury free society cannot afford.

In the US Realistic rightists have suggested that Europe needs to begin an orderly process of “deporting” all able-bodied men. You might ask, which young men? From where? If these young men are Syrian, where do you deport them to? And how? Are Syrian airports even open? Do we just drop them with food parcels?

If you ask these questions you are clearly an impractical bleeding heart. Men of action like Abbott and Dutton know you just need to do things. Put young men on a plane, deport them, and figure out whether you should have deported them later.

You might ask how the experience of Australia – a continent surrounded by an ocean – is relevant to a continent that shares a land border with Europe. Stopping the boats may not be enough for Europe, when asylum seekers can cross the land border from Turkey into Bulgaria. If you think like this you are a typical left-winger, getting all over-emotional about Bulgaria. A realist accepts reality, we need to flood Bulgaria, turn it into a moat. It’s no great loss; Bulgaria is barely part of Europe. It has not even made the FIFA world cup since 1994.

Minister for Immigration, Peter Dutton.
Minister for Immigration, Peter Dutton.

The most deluded idealists may query: even if we can stop the refugees is that a good idea long-term? They worry about condemning millions of Syrians and Libyans to refugee camps.

These are the types of fools that google “refugee camps” AND “terrorism” AND “radicalization” AND “Taliban”. Do not do this google search, it will turn you into a basket-weaving, kale drinking, communist.

A realist knows that whatever emerges out of refugee camps you can always drone it. Lebanon can keep the refugees, it is basically a refugee country now anyway, it could be the Manus Island of the North.

It will be a great loss for Australia, but we can cope. Border Force runs itself now, by Dutto’s own admission he doesn’t read “all the paper” coming into his office.

Tony Abbott’s “personality” will be some loss, but Barnaby Joyce will pick up the slack.

Surely Wyatt Roy can take up bike riding for charity, and someone else can be found to call out witches.

Australia needs to generously share some of our least generous leaders, its the only way to save civilisation.

Mathew Kenneally is a stand up comedian who moonlights as a lawyer. He's a regular new Matilda columnist and is the co-author with Toby Halligan of the satirical blog Diary Leaks. He is also the co-founder of the topical comedy room Political Asylum.