A QandA On How To Be A Patriotic Australian And Defeat ISIL And The ABC


Tony Abbott has accused the ABC of not being on Australia’s side. Mark Dreyfus has been accused of rolling out the red carpet to terrorists. Sarah Hanson-Young has been called a national embarrassment.

In these troubled times many are asking questions. How do I avoid being labelled an extremist? How can I put it beyond doubt that I’m not a supporter of the ABC? When he’s alone at night, does the fact history may remember him for Q&A-gate make Malcolm Turnbull cry?

Never fear, as a veteran of the post-9/11 “with us or against” era, I am here to pass on my wisdom. Below is our own Q&A. Follow my advice and you can probably keep your passport!

Why is this Q&A issue such a big deal? Wasn’t the ABC just encouraging freedom of speech?
Tim Wilson has spoken on this matter and declared this not to be a “free speech” issue. It is Un-Australian to question his neo-liberal wisdom.

I’m not confident in the Government’s citizenship laws. I would prefer we strip people’s citizenship after a judicial process? Is this an acceptable position?
Of course it is an acceptable position, if you are the spokesperson for ISIL.

But I heard people could lose their citizenship automatically for charges arising out of a political protest unrelated to terrorism?
That’s complete nonsense. I’ll need to know who told you that. No Australian can lose citizenship automatically; Peter Dutton has to say so. Check and Balance.

What checks and balances?
Peter Dutton is both check and balance. Efficiency.

What if I am unsure about trusting Peter Dutton to exile Australian citizens?
Peter Dutton is a scrupulously honest man. Dutton boycotted the apology to the Stolen Generations, despite knowing that doing so publicly might make him look like a belligerent racist.

What should I do to show my support for Australia?
Get active on social media. Currently everyone is emblazoning Facebook profile pictures with rainbows to celebrate the US gay marriage decision. Maybe next week change your profile to a really stoic photo of Tony Abbott behind 10 flags.

Done, is that enough?
Yes, unless you are a “moderate” Muslim.

What is a moderate Muslim?
I don’t know it’s a made up title.

I can just call myself a “moderate” Muslim?
No, as a Muslim it is your civic duty to use all social media platforms to condemn: all acts of terrorism by anyone who holds your faith; all statements by high-profile Muslims that could be construed as sympathetic to terror; and all Muslims who do not use their social media accounts to condemn terrorism.

So if I do all that, nobody will question my patriotism?
Probably. There is a slight risk if you condemn terrorism too vigorously it will look like you are trying too hard to be on Team Australia.

I support the Matildas and Soccerroos, is that trying to hard?
Not so much trying too hard, just not that Australian. Try the Wallabies?

But soccer is the fastest growing sport in Australia?
The future is not this Government’s concern. Tony Abbott is desperately trying to protect Australia from today’s threats: terrorism, wind farms, and the ABC.

So it would be unpatriotic of me to suggest the PM was unpatriotic for mistakenly congratulating the Matildas on their first ever Quarter-Final appearance?
Yes, that would be a grave offense. Neither the PM nor any of his staff had time to check this on Wikipedia, because they are spending every minute of every day thinking of anti-terror laws to keep you safe from the Labor party.

Keeping us safe from Labor?
To stop the terrorists you have to stop the Labor. It’s like the boats.

Is there anything else I can do?
If you see something, say something.

See what?
Un-Australian programming on the ABC. The Coalition is keeping a close eye on the news programming. However, there is concern some of the children’s science programs suggest anthropogenic climate change is the greatest threat to humanity. That’s like saying climate change is more serious than terrorism. Worse, it is completely true. It’s imperative our children do not hear such ISIL propaganda.

And if I see something?
Call up the ABC and complain about their support for ISIL.

You’re saying the ABC has joined ISIL?
No they have not, however, it is patriotic to exaggerate others’ lack of patriotism. Divisiveness is the key to national unity. The ABC should feel threatened.

Is the Coalition suggesting I threaten the ABC?
Absolutely not! Yes, the ABC let a terrorist speak. Yes, they are un-Australian. Yes, they betrayed our nation. Yes, they may have engaged in treason. Yes, the episode was basically an ISIL recruitment video. Yes, they aired this ISIL recruitment video twice. Yes, heads should roll. But please be reasonable. It is not your place to intimidate the ABC, that’s a job for your local Member.

Last week a menacing white pride group roasted a pig outside of the ABC. In light of the Charleston shooting would true Australians call the police?
Those guys, no, they are just lovable larrikins exercising free speech.

Mathew Kenneally is a stand up comedian who moonlights as a lawyer. He's a regular new Matilda columnist and is the co-author with Toby Halligan of the satirical blog Diary Leaks. He is also the co-founder of the topical comedy room Political Asylum.