Forget People Smugglers: Here’s 10 ‘Criminal Enterprises’ Tony Abbott Should Be Giving Cash


Everyone’s got their knickers in a knot over the Abbott Government’s modest payments to so-called ‘people smugglers’ to return to Indonesia.

Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t… alright, they almost certainly did.

But, dear readers, we’ve been paying large quantities of taxpayer funds to so-called ‘criminal enterprises’ for years, and it hasn’t done any of us any harm. Indeed it’s built a prosperous and equal society, where everyone gets a share of the pie, with the possible exception of the poor… who not only don’t drive cars, but apparently aren’t very fond of pie.

That’s not to suggest society is without it’s problems… we can always improve. And so with that in mind, here’s a list of other organisations the Abbott Government should be throwing cold hard cash at, because it’s in all our interests.


1. Large companies… to stop them shifting profits off-shore

If you want companies to pay tax in Australia, then the best way to achieve that is to give them more money to pay taxes with. It’s not rocket science.

Big corporations don’t set-up tax havens in Singapore and the Cayman Islands because they WANT to, they do it because they HAVE to in order to stay profitable. And if they don’t stay profitable, you know what happens then. We have to give them even more money to bail them out.

So it’s simple: give big corporations more money, and there’ll be more profits. Then at least some of those profits will come straight back to us in the form of taxes.

This entirely sustainable system is how capitalism has survived and thrived for generations.

2. Banks and investment firms… just because

When you owe a bank $100,000 and you can’t pay, it’s your problem. But when you owe a bank billions of dollars and can’t pay… well, it’s their problem.

And that’s just basically unfair. What sort of a system rips of the banks and investment firms that rip us off. Talk about confusing.

Government policy should be to guarantee large banks and investments firms huge quantities of cash, in order to enable them to find new and creative ways to make money producing absolutely nothing except profit.

It’s a little known fact that they don’t refer to companies as ‘too big to fail’ because they’re ACTUALLY too big to fail… they’re too big to fail without sinking the rest of us. So unless we all want to live in caves and eat gravel for breakfast, we should be providing these banks and investment firms unlimited quantities of cash, with no strings attached.

3. The Catholic Church… to stop abusing children

If there’s one thing the Catholic Church understands, it’s cold hard cash. That, and child abuse.

So it’s obvious: we should pay the Church to stop. This can take the form of massive taxpayer-funded subsidies for the myriad of money-making ventures it would like to embark on, and by allowing the Church to avoid huge quantities of tax by making everything they do tax deductible.

4. Political parties… to stamp out corruption

Paying political parties large bundles of sweaty cash ensures that they do not engage in corrupt activities, and always act in the best interests of the nation. You know it makes sense.

The small, mostly insignificant corruption scandals that have swept NSW, Queensland, Western Australia, Victoria, Tasmania, South Australia, the ACT and the Northern Territory (plus the federal government and most local councils) is not because government is corrupt, it’s because the parties that run them are starved of cash. To believe otherwise is to believe that ‘the system’ is broken. And that’s just silly.

How exactly do we expect these pillars of democracy to survive, if we starve them out of existence. They don’t call them parties for no reason!

The solution is to increase taxpayer funding to large, established political organisations. Get to it LNP!

5. Politicians… so they stop diddling their perks

Currently, we give our politicians unfettered power, then ask them to survive on a meager two or three hundred thousand dollars a year, and then we wonder why they stick their hands in the till.

Science and basic common sense tells us that once people get obscenely wealthy, they stop wanting more stuff and start looking for ways to help other people. Think Gina Rhinehart. You want to stamp out pollies diddling their perks? Then give them more perks.

So this solution is simple as well: Add up what all their perks should be, and then increase their salary to that level immediately. And then double that, and add the original perks back in on top. If you want to stop politicians getting greedy, then throwing so much cash at them that they can’t possibly want for more makes perfect sense. Then stand back, salute the flag and watch our oi oi oi democracy flourish.

6. Our enemies’ enemies… so that we have a ready supply of future enemies

When Iraq – our sworn enemy – got all up in our face with weapons of mass destruction and ebola-injected reptiles – we blew the living shit of them. Hooah. And then we helped fund other Iraq-haters in the Middle east to blow more shit out of them. Hooah!

And then, when those guys we funded turned on us, we started blowing the shit out of them as well, plus we started funding the people we originally blew the shit out of to start blowing the shit out of the people we originally liked.

Obviously, it’s pretty complex stuff, which is why matters of national security and defence are best left to the experts (and done under a shroud of secrecy).

The added bonus is that blowing the shit out of other people stimulates our economy, not to mention our soldiers. We’ve got 80,000 of them, and if we didn’t send them off to war, they’d be sitting around on their arses all day licking stamps.

War’s stimulate our economy, and perpetual wars perpetually stimulate our economy. It’s simple math. The super added bonus is that if we keep fucking up the Middle East, eventually we’ll have pinched most of their oil before they even realize it.

7. Wealthy people… so that they’re more wealthy

I don’t know why this hasn’t been thought of before… paying rich people to make them richer is a no brainer.

Rich people make the world go around. Everyone knows that. So obviously, making rich people even richer will make the world go around even faster. And you know what that means: time travel.

By giving to the rich, we can speed up time and find a cure for climate change much, much quicker, before the planet heats up so much that we unleash a flood of boat people seeking shelter from the chaos we unleashed on them. And if we let that happen, imagine how much cash we’ll have to fork out to turn people smugglers around?

Investing more in the rich now is an investment in a White Australian future, with the added bonus of time travel discovery through futuristic Dr Who style science.

Suggestions for ensuring wealthy people get even more wealthy might include things like taxing the poor a greater proportion of their income, providing massive tax breaks for wealthy people, and allowing negative gearing on investment properties.

Get on it Joe Hockey, while you still have a really, really good job.

8. Big polluting mining companies… to stop them polluting

A few years ago, our government imposed a tax on companies who cause lots of pollution and pump shit into our atmosphere. They called it a ‘carbon tax’. Yeah right, Julia, like you can tax carbon (it’s an inanimate object on the periodic table, stupid!).

So we should abolish that tax and GIVE money to mining companies and big polluters to stop them polluting, rather than take money from them when they do.

Punishing large corporations for their pollution punishes us all, because the corporations are less able to pay massive bonuses to their senior executives, and this money then doesn’t trickle down to other massive corporations who pay massive bonuses to their senior executives.

This strategy is called the ‘carrot and carrot approach’ to building a sustainable future in a world where the scourge of winter has been eliminated. Axe the tax Tony!

9. The media… so that they stop writing shitty things about the government

Laura Tingle from the Australian Financial Review recently described our Prime Minister as an idiot. Where the hell does she get off? We elected that idiot!

The media more generally are always writing shitty things about the government, rather than focusing on the things that matter, like nudity and the Kardashians. And demonizing poor people for their poverty. And celebrities. And their dogs.

Giving a company like News Corporation massive tax breaks helps employ more journalists, to take the stress off already stressful newsrooms. This will enable them to focus on the things that matter.

10. Alan Jones and Ray Hadley… to shut the fuck up

While they’re not really a criminal enterprise, this is pretty self explanatory.

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