Joe Hockey Needs Another Investment Property So We Gave Him A Better Job As New Matilda’s Agony Aunt

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Often our readers send e-mails or comments about issues not directly related to our articles, asking questions like “how can I afford a house in today’s market”, “Do you love hating Australia”, or “do you know why Christianity is better than Islam”.

These are the great questions of life, the things that keep us all up at night.

And so that is why joining New Matilda is our own neo-liberal Agony Aunt Joe Hockey.

‘Smoking Joe’, as he’s known, is available to give you straight forward advice on how you can solve your problems.

Feel free to post your own questions in our comment section below, and we’ll put them to the Treasurer, over a bottle of $500 wine and a cuban cigar.

 

Dear Joe, I am a single mother of three children under 9. I live in one of Melbourne’s newest suburbs (no train line) and work in the city earning minimum wage. Between work and school I spend about 3 hours driving every day. The petrol costs are killing me, and the sitting is effecting for my health. Help. – Michelle (VIC)

Michelle, I do not believe you. Poor people do not drive that much.


 

Dear Joe, my daughters are 10 and 8 are not doing very well at the local public school. I would really like to move them to a better school, but I cannot afford it, nor get a better job. Any ideas? – Mary (NSW)

Mary, thank you for your letter. It sounds like you need a better school. My advice would be to afford it, but you have asked for other ideas. Your children clearly do not understand the value of education. Education can lead to a good job, which leads to money, which leads to a house in Sydney, which leads to happiness.

Your children need more competition. The daughter who performs best in school should receive more pocket money. The daughter that underperforms should receive less pocket money and sleep in the garage. Sorry, that was obnoxious of me. You are poor so you probably do not have a car or a garage. Make your underperforming daughter sleep outside.

You must educate your daughters that education is essential to a getting ahead of your fellow man in the housing market.


 

Dear Joe, I am a 26-year-old I would like to buy a house in Sydney but it looks like I will not be able to pay it off before I am 50. What should I do? – Tammy (NSW)

Dear Tammy, in the future people will live to 150. 50 will be the new 26. In reality you will be paying that house off in zero years!


 

Dear Joe, I am a father of two children under 6. I am currently studying at TAFE so cannot afford to move. The roof in our rental apartment leaks and mould is developing in all the bedrooms. My landlord insists it’s the body corporate’s problem. The body corporate will not return my calls. I tried to attend one of their meetings, but they are held in the middle of the night in a secret location in the desert. Also tenants are banned from attending under punishment of eviction. My children are coughing all night, what can I do? – Mark (SA)

Mark, your situation is breaking my heart. If I were in your position I would rush out and get a good job that pays good money and buy the whole apartment complex, and then move the body corporate meetings to a reasonable time. Also take your children to the Doctor. It is free, for now.


 

Dear Joe, the life has gone out of my marriage. My husband and I are constantly working to pay the mortgage on our Sydney home. Between the children and work we never see each other. We haven’t had sex for months. How can I save my marriage? – Terri (Syd)

Dear Terri I am glad you have gotten a good job. It seems your problem is you and your husband need even better jobs so you can pay assistants and nannies. The nannies can deal with your children and assistants can schedule in sex-time using synced calendars.


 

Dear Joe, I am in a same sex relationship. My partner and I have been engaged for seven years. Why can’t we get married? – Simone (Tas)

Congratulations! Gay marriage is legal in Massachusetts in the United States. Martha’s Vineyard is beautiful this time of year. You can fly by private plane from Boston. Best of luck!


 

Dear Joe, Christianity is clearly better than Islam. The Muslims were plainly responsible for the crusades. The other commenters on Youtube will not agree, no matter how much evidence I throw at them. – Gregory (Qld).

Greg, this is an eternal battle you cannot win. A friend of mine has the same problem. Let’s call him “Cory Bernardi”. Cory is functionally unemployed, but gets $195,310 in government benefits to sit on a bench all day stewing about the oncoming war with Islam. What both you and Cory need to do is get a busy job to take your mind off this everlasting struggle.

Mathew Kenneally

Mathew Kenneally is a stand up comedian who moonlights as a lawyer. He's a regular new Matilda columnist and is the co-author with Toby Halligan of the satirical blog Diary Leaks. He is also the co-founder of the topical comedy room Political Asylum.

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