Useful Science: Why Is Tony Abbott So Hot? And Why Is Butter Chicken So Delicious?


Poor CSIRO, poor Climate Authority. Their old science is being replaced by the new science of Bjorn Lomborg’s Copenhagen Consensus Model, which the Prime Minister’s Office has brought to Australia at the cost of $4 million.

Before Lomborg has even started sweating in his search for “consensus”, the mere founding of the UWA center has lead to a momentous discovery. We have finally found something from Scandinavia the Greens don’t want to import.

To get a handle on what the “Consensus Model” actually is, I read one of the reports. Bjorn picks a panel of “purely” objective eminent people, and presents them with investment proposals to do good in the next four years, which they proceed to rank on cost/benefit analysis.

It’s like the public service, but it comes in a glossy brochure. Hence, consensus: among the people chosen by Bjorn, about proposals chosen by Bjorn. It is like Melbourne Football journalist Mike Sheahan’s top 50 players in the AFL, but less impartial.

Basically, Bjorn generates advice on how to spend our aid budget, even though by the end of May our aid budget might be the $4 million we give to Bjorn. I suppose it’s nice to know how we would save the world if we had a heart.

We could grumble about the chronic underfunding of Mike Sheahan endlessly. What the CSIRO must recognize is we live in Abbott-land now, and King Abbott needs practical science. Reports on climate change aren’t useful. Its useless, the Australian people spoke on this issue last election. They believe climate change is not a problem, which the Government should solve through “direct action”. Sure it’s a contradiction, but don’t blame the Prime Minister, he didn’t vote for it.

Bjorn re-assured Tony Abbott that climate change is no big deal, and instead he should invest in geo-engineering: the unproven science of intervening in the climate to bring down temperatures.

The CSIRO need to do like Bjorn, give Tony some useful science. To help the CSIRO get started I’ve outlined a few research proposals sure to get funding:

1. Investigate the use of Geo-Engineering to manipulate ocean currents, to turn asylum seeker boats around automatically, or re-direct them to our enemies, or New Zealand. If successful we could export this technology to help Europe stop their boats. As Kate Hopkins has shown us, stopping boats is a universal human desire.

2. Staying on Geo-Engineering, can it be weaponized? For a country with a complete inability to build submarines this could be the answer to our defense needs. China threatens Australia with a trade tariff; we strike back with snow, ice, and cutting winds. Indonesia talks tough on boats, cover the archipelago in cloud for six months. Lets see how tough they are without Vitamin D! Send Melbourne’s 45-degree heat to New Zealand, just because.

3. Gay marriage, what do we know about it? Nothing. There is no data to support the contention gay marriage undermines marriage or society in general, and none to support the contention that gay couples are not gay parents. The CSIRO should look into it. Will it bring down society? Will a person like Tony who finds homosexuality “threatening” suffer adverse health consequences if he walks past a gay marriage? Will gay weddings cause obesity? These are questions we all want the answers to, and the answer is yes.

4. Is Tony Abbott’s work out routine the ideal fitness program? Should it be compulsory in schools? How could Tony Abbott enhance his already amazing physical prowess?

5. Mining – we know it is brilliant for the economy. It saved us from the GFC, subsidizes all our arts and culture, and employs every Australian everywhere in the world indirectly. Accepting coal, lead, and uranium are dirty, isn’t taking them out of the land good for the environment? Think about it CSIRO.

6. Butter Chicken, why is it delicious and can other dishes be made as delicious?

7. What are the natural predators, weaknesses, and habitats of Human Right’s Lawyers. How do they breed? Can we disrupt their breeding patterns by building freeways through the latte belt, or putting a tax on wine bars?

These are just the ideas I came up with today and I am not even a scientist! I got a C- in High School science. Imagine what the CSIRO boffins could achieve if they paired their brilliant minds with Lomborg-like desire to please Tony Abbott?

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Mathew Kenneally is a stand up comedian who moonlights as a lawyer. He's a regular new Matilda columnist and is the co-author with Toby Halligan of the satirical blog Diary Leaks. He is also the co-founder of the topical comedy room Political Asylum.