The Official Minutes Of The Tony Abbott Ladies’ Auxiliary Catholiphate


Call to Order

A totes emergency general meeting of we Ladies was held at the Tattersall’s men only members club in Brisbane to discuss the Gaffer Leadership crisis. It began at Vespers sharp and was presided over by the President, Lady Ernest Leigh Wight, with Baroness Christian Wright as Secretary and Chief Whip. Since entry was barred to women we Ladies bivouaced in a concrete external stairwell (partaking liberally of MacWilliam’s Dry Sherry) while the real men of the Ladies’ Auxiliary ‘smashed through the wall of Jericho’ on their way in.


Voting members in attendance on the stairwell (clutching pearls at the prospect of Tony being unceremoniously defrocked) included Horsewoman of the Petapocalypse, Lady Hazel Wood, Lady Coral Bleach and Dr Billiton (BhP in Substrata Profiteering). We raised our glasses through the window at the real Ladies.

Guests in attendance inside who included the Onion-eaters and Poo-throwers Harmony Day Committee, the Bob Santamaria and John Howard Inseminary for the Love Child, the Prophet Margin Lifestyle Choices Thinktank, the Australian Monarchist Crusade Apologists, and the Future Traders for Intergenerational Racketeering.

Apologies – Women, Malcolm Turnbull, Julie Bishop, Gillian Triggs, Joko Widodo, Noel Pearson, Sir Prince Phillip.

Retention of Metadata Approval of Minutes

A motion to redact present the hacked minutes from the previous meeting was ordered authorized by Miss Reference from Goebbelsian Spin Advisory, seconded by Dame Rebekah Schnooks and bromided approved by Andriod Bolt (looking so assimilated since his 18C spiritual rebirth. We Ladies saluted him with another few rounds of Sherry).

Officers’ Reports

·      The Lifestyle Choices for the Superannuated Fund has approved $100 million in subsidies for the Billionaire United Mining Services (BUMS) to reconstruct the Titanic at Abbott Point (waved through by the Expenditure Renew Committee).

·      A Leadership Resurrection Report was preshented by the National Schwool Chaplaincy Program. Someone who treats pyne recommended a curriculum stream in Papal Bull Markets – God knows, might just do the twick, and got a toast from us Ladies.

·      A Smirk Workchoices Revivalist Report wajs pwesented before the Royal Commission into communist scum trade unions by the Weekend Workers’ Anti-Union League.

·      The Young Liberal All-male Housewives Review preshented a clip of their Puppetry of the Clitoris. We Ladies weren’t allowed to see since ‘women are women and men are men and they should be allowed to have some things for themselves’. Visibility wasn’t that great anyway, but we razed taxes our glasses inshtead.

·      A Grey Nomad Rotary Infrastructure Scheme will replace the Remote Communities Indigenous Literacy Foundation.

Other Reports

·      A Knights and Dames Nominations Report was prevented by the Companions of the border of Australia. The following resolution was aplopted: To confler on all those Jihadi Brides a Czardom (Combat Zearch and Rescue encrypted anklet monitors attached with live bait) and remind the sillies that ‘it’s better to rage against the establishment from inside’ the detenktion facility.

Main Motions

Motion: Moved by Dame Soapie Merribulla of the South Australian Submarine Corps and secondhanded by the Geriatrics Defense League – that Tonybear’s masculinity leadership is in cwisis and we hereby call upon Smearch and Rescue authoritities to immediately tender a recovery effort deploying a pfleet of competitive evaluation processes to determine the exact location where Tonee (we heart him) is completely out of his depth and steer him into chafer waters.

The motion carried with 61 yea’s in favor and 39 nay’s against – a clear mandrake! (we Ladies weren’t allowed to vote so we had anutter round)

Motion: Moved by Sir Tim Willison and seconoded – that Toneeeee! is understandable confoozlee about his role as Minister for Wimmen as the nation’s first Spornosexual Prime Minister (woof!) Without the GP copayment his rapacity to provide for the nation is a little wonkydoodles. His repeal of the carbomb tax has failed to bedrock the fossilate superannuate of his male identitity. His indefinite mandatory diletantion of those terrorist refugee kiddies has left him vulneriple to shellackings and shaftwings by Female Serial Cillermmissioners. We demand their witch hunt of Tone-Tones cease and Gillian ‘Stitch up Britchypants’ Twiggs (whom wouldn’t know a real man if one punched the wall on both sides of her behead!) be burned in a cage and rebedded (should she decline our inducement). The motion carried with a lot of waving yea’s in favor and some napping nay’s abstaining.

Motion: Moved by the specter of Bob ‘Zaftig’ Santamaria and seconded – that he be awarded a postchumous Knight of the Garter, plus women and smoking be banned from enclosed work spaces. The commotion carried with possibly 3 yea’s in favor and all the zzzzz’s ordaining, which we Ladies’ celebraided with another round.


A lemmington fontraising dive to offshoot the budgie plebicite budget deficit and auspiced under the Petrominerals Council of Australia will be dredged through the corribordors of power by the Sinister Minister for Extinction, Extermination and Choir Boys, Gregorian Chunt.


Frances Abbott (with the imprimatur of the Australian Tattooist Design School) woke us all up and moved that the meeting be adjourned to International Doctors’ Wives Day, which we will celebrate in the men’s toilet of the Liberal party room by consecrating a women’s urinal to our Patron Saint Rolf Harris.


Special Secret Sober Business

A paramilitary wing of the Church of the Holy Rite will be formed by the Ladies Auxiliary to defend the Catholiphate of Tony Abbott. In the event of another leadership spill, we will ‘mop up’ any dissenting MPs.




Dame Lady Duchess Baroness Countess                                             C@*&  O’Clock,
Ernest Leigh Wight                                                                                     D-Day for Tony

Secretary and Brand Evangelist,                                                             Date of Approval

Tony Abbott Ladies Auxiliary Catholiphate  

Liz Conor is a columnist at New Matilda and an ARC Future Fellow at La Trobe University. She is the author of Skin Deep: Settler Impressions of Aboriginal Women, [UWAP, 2016] and The Spectacular Modern Woman: Feminine Visibility in the 1920s [Indiana University Press, 2004]. She is editor of Aboriginal History and has published widely in academic and mainstream press on gender, race and representation.