Mathew Kenneally's World Of Kale Comes Crashing Down


Dear Book Publishers of Australia,

This has been a very trying week for me. I was shocked to find out Belle Gibson, one of my go-to-wellness counselors, had not been vetted by the publishers of the Whole Pantry. To make matters worse, I also found out that the latest Paleo Way had been delayed because of concerns a child might die!

It was five years ago when I first turned my back on modern medicine. I just felt I had been seeing my GP for the whole of my life and I wasn’t as fit or well as I wanted to be. She said I was fine, which showed she didn’t get it. Sure, she had been to a “western” medical school. But the Doctors from those schools have presided over us becoming the fattest nation on Earth, an “Ice epidemic”, and the election of Tony Abbott. Western medicine has not made Australia well.

I did not know where to turn. That is when I discovered Pete Evans and the Paleo diet. I assumed that a man endorsed by My Kitchen Rules and a book publisher was sound. It also made perfect sense, of course. Our ancestors had a better diet. They had no medicine, so they had to get medicine from elsewhere in order to evolve. Their medicine was food. And if food is medicine, I can make my own medicine, with a slow cooker.

I thrived. I devoured paleo book after paleo book. I activated the ideas about activated nuts. I discovered Belle Gibson. My life-partner and myself became wellness warriors. As we became well-er our friends seeing our wellness, joined us in a fuller existence.

Last week my dietary world came crashing down. I have no idea who to turn to for nutrition advice! I trusted the publishing industry. I trusted that if you put out a cookbook on the latest wellness trend it had been vetted. I am now literally at sea. Which sux because I don’t fish!

What am I meant to do about my diabetes? Luckily I haven’t got it yet, but my astrologist was clear, it’s in my future. I thought I was ready for my illness. Now every time I look at my 300 kilograms of frozen fermented Kale I ask: how do you get rid of 300 kilograms of frozen fermented Kale?

This hasn’t just affected me, it has harmed my future family. I thought I could feed my child the paleo diet, the diet of his ancestors. I’m starting to doubt if that’s possible. Worse still my son hasn’t even been conceived yet, no doubt the pre-historic fertility technique I was trialing is also completely made up. The worst thing is you cannot un-smoke that part of your body.

I know what you’re thinking; it’s my responsibility to do my own research. But I’m an average busy person. Between my job as a wellness coach, meditative yoga, vegie gardening, intense yoga, fighting Tony Abbott, and spiritual yoga, I do not have time to fact check every diet I activate. 

Last week, I had a purpose, and identity. I was to be a father, beat diabetes with Kale and wheat grass, and be the well-est person I can be.

Today, I don’t know who I am. I am depressed, so depressed I made an appointment to see the Doctor.

I hope you’re happy.

Yours Sincerely
Mathew Kenneally.

Mathew Kenneally is a stand up comedian who moonlights as a lawyer. He's a regular new Matilda columnist and is the co-author with Toby Halligan of the satirical blog Diary Leaks. He is also the co-founder of the topical comedy room Political Asylum.