Christopher Pyne's People Movement Poised For The Most Pyrrhic Of Victories

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Tony Abbott may be the greatest self-harmer in the history of Australian politics, but Christopher Pyne is not too far behind, setting his own cracking pace with his petition demanding that the ABC not close down production houses in Adelaide, despite his government cutting $250 million from the ABC budget.

Except that ironically, it might just turn out to be one of the greatest political victories the Abbott Government is ever likely to enjoy. And we mean that seriously – Greatest Political Victory For Abbott, Ever.

Which says plenty about what constitutes success for the Tories, and even more about just how bad their year has been. 2014 could go down as one of the most ‘Annus Horribilis’ years on Australian political record.

A fortnight ago, Pyne launched his petition to stop cuts to the Adelaide branch of the ABC. It is lumbering – slowly and inevitably – towards reaching its goal of 5,000 signatures.

Indeed, Pyne is more than halfway there. By Monday afternoon, he’d reached 3360 – just 1640 left to get (an ironic number when you consider that most of Pyne’s political values come from precisely that era of human history).

Although there is a problem. Well, two actually.

The first is that the ABC has already confirmed the cuts to its production facilities in Adelaide. Which is very bad news for the poor staff there, but even worse for Pyne, who will no doubt weep away the summer break internalizing the agony of a jobless Christmas for more than a few of his constituents.

The second – and perhaps more troubling – aspect is that almost every single one of the signatures on his petition appears to have been posted for the sole purpose of enabling the petitioner the opportunity to leave a comment… and assault the Minister for Education with the sort of language that our children most definitely do not learn in school (unless they had Professor Barry Spurr for … in which case, maybe).

Or, in the words of Alasdair Moodie from Cannons Creek, “I'll sign just to comment on the blatant hypocrisy! You Pyne are a disgrace! Bloody handed in slashing and burning services and institutions owned by the Australian people you then dare peddle this petition. Scum like you should be hounded out of the country let alone out of Government!”

Strong stuff. But in a political era where a government can’t even use fear and loathing for a lift in the polls – think war in Iraq, Islamophobia, Aboriginal affairs, and Corey Bernardi – it’s worth copping a bit of flack for a win on a petition, even if it is an own goal (one point is better than no points!).

And so with that in mind, we’ve decided to award a few wins of our own. Following is a compilation of some of the best insults on the petition… and a warning… we were serious about the foul language.

Cleverest Cross-Linking To Other Disastrous Liberal Policies Award
“Mate, this has to be the best troll ever. I'd award you eleventy internets, but since I'm still on a lousy 3rd-world grade connection, they're still downloading.” Victoria Chapman, Horsley

Most Popular Comment On The Site Award
“You should have thought about this before you backed Monkey Man's lunacy, you arsehole.” – 'Gerard Henderson', Australia

Best Use Of The Word Turd In An Insult Award
“Christopher Pyne is the most hypocritical, mindless, greedy, selfish turd the country has ever seen.” – Bob Smith, Overland Park

Most Sincere Question Award
“36 hours ago you were all for shutting it down. I don't understand. Are you an idiot?” – James Byrne, Mawson Lakes

Most Understated Insult Award
“I Love the ABC but dislike Chris Pyne.” – Geoff Cann, Klemzig

Best Insult From A Fake Celebrity Award
“Go f*ck yourself Chris. You're a weird c*nt.” – Gary Glitter, Edinburgh, United Kingdom

Most Deeply Passionate Insult Award
“Christopher, You are a miserable mean vain abhorrent little [person]with no regard for the parliament of Australia or the voters. It will be one of my happiest days to see you lose your seat. I have picked up animal droppings with more worth than you. The voters in your seat must be insane to vote an incompetent fool like you into a cushy well paid well superannuated job that none of them will ever have a hope of attaining. You are lower than a snake's belly.” – Allan Key, Australia

Simplest Insult Award
“Because Christopher Pyne is a grub.” – Murray McLachlan, North Avoca

Runner-Up Simplest Insult Award
“I love the ABC. Pyne you are a hypocritical piece of dog faeces.” Jenna Hinton, ACT

Best Insult Using An Historical Reference Award
“Well may we say, God save the ABC, because nothing will save Christopher Pyne.” – Dan Gulberry, Australia

The Darryl Kerrigan Award For Being Upfront
“Should have thought about it before cutting their Budget, Dickhead!!” – Roneel Kumar, Sydney

Most Creative Insult Award
“I'm signing because Christopher Pyne IS a bell end.” -
Ix Watanabe, Broken Hill

Best Punked Award
“This is important to me as the ABC is a critical component of our democracy. That, and Pyne is a twat.” – Dan Bowles, Paddington

Most Angry Insult Award
“Here's a hint, you smirking piece of shit. Get the Government that you are a part of to keep its election promise of not cutting funding to the ABC. While we're on the subject, weren't there other areas that weren't going to be cut, such as education???” – Mark Hansen AUSTRALIA

Most Politically Incorrect Insult Award
“Pyne is the best case I have seen yet for retrospective abortions… you prat, you voted down $'s to ABC, now you whinge that you will be effected. You are crawling up your own fundamental orifice so much that at this rate you will be inside-out by Friday.” – Mark Kentwell, Davistown

Most Polite Insult Award
“The irony of this is wonderful. You Sir, are a fool.” – Tony Nekrews, Australia

Best Insult Dressed Up As Feigned Ignorance Award
“We're petitioning to close down Christopher Pyne, right? I'm all for that!” – Lainie Jones, Mount Tambourine

Best Backhanded Compliment Award
“Cheers to you Christopher! Congrats on knocking our #qantasluxury off as the worst social media fail in Australian history. Long may you hold the mantle!” – Robert Rosenberg, Australia

Boldest Opening Line Award
“You are a total and utter f*ckwit, Mr Pyne. Not only are you in a position of power to do something from the cabinet table, you are supporting the government in its cuts to the ABC. Hypocrisy much?” – Tim Cole, Australia

Best Nickname Award
“I long for the day the Mincing Poodle is turfed from office.” – Joel Smith, Australia

Boldest Use Of The C-Word Award
“Hey Pyne – As much as it really pains me to give you a vote for anything, it's just about worth it for the opportunity of telling you to f*ck off, you complete c*nt. I've never seen slimy political opportunism of this calibre before. You're a turd.” – Steve McQueen, Australia

Most Gratuitous Use Of The C-Word Award
“I'm signing so that I can call Christopher Pyne a hypocritical morally bankrupt c*nt.” – Maxwell A. Ferguson, Byron Bay

Most Profane Comment In Under 50 Words Award
“Christopher Pyne is an absolute f*cking arsehole. Brainless, dimwitted piece of crap. No literally what a shit-stain on society. Your government is the one responsible for the cuts and you're out petitioning where they shouldn't be cutting… You are the worst kind of conservative, you hypocritical f*cktard.” – Paul Marter, Rushcutters Bay

Most Scientifically Based Insult Award
“Dear Christopher Pyne, I think you're a sociopath. This is the kind of sick joke that could only appeal to a turd like you.” – Larissa Roberts, Australia

Shortest, Sharpest Insult Award
“Pyne is a snivelling hypocrite.” – Aaron Hann, Australia

You Scratch My Back, I’ll Scratch Yours Award
“Pyne – if I sign yours will you sign a petition to stop your pathetic and elitist education reforms? Since you are obviously close acquaintances with Dr Hypocrisy, I cant see why you wont do that for me. Thanks in advance…you twit.” – Toby Collins, Melbourne

Best Religious Connotation Award
“Go to hell you scum bag Judas. Yes, we should leave the ABC alone. Get your pack of corrupt dogs out of our fair nation's political area. Go flip burgers for a coal company. Shithead.” – Matt Lansdown, Australia

Most Blunt Insult Award
“I'm signing because… Christopher Pyne is a hypocritical, disingenuous arsehole.” – Tim Burgess, Sydney

Runner-Up Most Blunt Insult Award
“Screw you, you two-faced lying sack of shit.” – Chris Richards, Tamborine

Most Seriously Creative Insult Award
“This is without a doubt the most ridiculous petition I have ever seen in my life. However, as it comes from the most ridiculous politician ever to sit in any Australian Federal Parliament, why should I be surprised? The man is mad, totally off his cracker. I have seen more sanity in a fruitbat soused on fermented figs.” – Athelwaite Pennyfarthing, Australia

Most Ocker Insult Award
“No wuckers mate , why not torch all the other states so you can save your own shiny bum … absolutely a bullshitter on stilts.” – Jeff Left, Australia

Backhanded Insult Most Likely To Be Fake Award
“I'm with you comrade Pyne.” – Joe Hockey, Australia

Runner-up Backhanded Insult Most Likely To Be Fake Award
“Love you Chris.” – Jaymes Aschbie, Australia

Insult Most Likely To Lead To Forgiveness Award
“Dear South Australia, We understand how embarrassing this must be. The rest of Australia cringes on a daily basis. Just tell us what help you need to encourage this absolute idiot to stand down. Our prayers are with you.” – Toby Cotton, Melbourne

The Love Him, Hate Him Award
“I haven't laughed like this for ages. You're a fuking idiot Pyne. Fuk off.” – Amanda Cozens, Australia

Most Likely To Be A Fake Name Award
“Pyne is such a silly goose. Actually no. He's a f*cking menace to society.” – Banana in Pyjamas, Christmas Island

Longest But Definitely Most Heartfelt Insult Award
“Now THIS is what I call community consultation! it's terrific to have the opportunity to say "the emperor has no clothes…" or in your case, Christopher, no spine, morals, integrity, brains or credibility. How can you sleep at night? How do you look at yourself when you shave? But thanks for creating a brilliant example of this government's complete short-sightedness. As long as your (as mentioned by others) teeny tiny area of interest is ok, the rest of us (that would be the 21,999,483 that aren't in Team Australia) can go get f*cked. It's reassuring to see this government rush to protect those poor, poor CEOs and multinationals from us nasty demanding ratbag peasants. How dare my annoying desire for a public broadcaster (or an education, or good health, or disability support, or public transport…) get in the way of your cock-enlarging fighter planes. Shame on me!” – Nikki Langford, Australia

Note: New Matilda did seek comment from Minister Pyne’s office prior to publication. We sent the following email: “Dear Sir/Madam, New Matilda is filing a fresh story on the Minister's petition to stop cuts to ABC Adelaide. On his petition the following comment appears: “You are crawling up your own fundamental orifice so much that at this rate you will be inside-out by Friday.” We're seeking the Minister's response to that comment, and given that Friday has come and passed, a clarification on whether or not Minister Pyne has, in fact, disappeared inside his own orifice? Appreciate your quick reply.”

We haven’t heard back yet, but will certainly let readers know if we do.

* New Matilda is an independent Australian media outlet. We rely predominantly on subscriptions for our survival. You can help fund us here, or simply share our stories on social media.

Chris Graham is the publisher and editor of New Matilda. He is the former founding managing editor of the National Indigenous Times and Tracker magazine. Chris has won a Walkley Award, a Walkley High Commendation and two Human Rights Awards for his reporting. He lives in Brisbane and splits his time between Stradbroke Island, where New Matilda is based, and the mainland.

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