EXCLUSIVE: Julien Blanc Does Brisbane And The G20

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Leaked reports have emerged in the G20 aftermath that Real Social Dynamics ‘guru’ Julien Blanc was secretly ushered into the exclusion zone late Saturday evening as a special envoy to run a bespoke workshop for Tony Abbott and Vladimir Putin on how to pick up economies.

A taped recording circulating among disgruntled sunstruck G20 female security staff has been leaked to New Matilda and we are able to exclusively publish some highlights of a surprisingly productive and cordial exchange. It appears Messieurs Abbott and Putin have more in common than they realised. They were joined by the leaders of the Young Liberals and pro-Russian Ukraine separatists, who also appear to have more in common than first thought.

A transcript of proceedings runs as follows:

Blanc: ‘Hello! I’m Julien Blanc of Real Social Dynamics! It’s really great to be here with you tonight at the G20! After being cast adrift on the Timor Sea in some kind of orange flotation device by some bald dude with a badly burnt bean, I’ve gotta thank the fleet of Russian warships who picked me up. I was heading to London but was pushed back out to sea by a global syndicate of Feminazi’s and um, sex workers. We did have to circumnavigate a watery warren of exclusion and excision zones, before I could be escorted back into the country for this important emergency meeting. I barely know what time it is. But here I am.

Blanc: ‘I get it. You’re not getting much joy from non-consenting economies. But hey, there’s no shame in that. These are real bitchy economies, nines and tens, and no guy pulls them easy. That’s why we’re here, right! You gotta have a strategy. You gotta have a plan. You gotta know what techniques are going to push past her resistance and make her say yes, deregulate me, now!

Blanc: ‘She’s not going to buy some ‘token carbon offset’, no f*cking way! Like she’s gonna be satisfied with 2 per cent growth. Maybe a three-four economy, sure, but not those real bitchy economies like the US or China.

Abbott: You mean Tasmania.

Blanc again: ‘Um. I think it’s China actually. Where were we – where are we? hahahaha. Ahem. Let’s re-orient. I mean some guys, the kind that drive around in armour-plated Beasts, real funny guys chatting up college girls, they think they can pick up a bitchy economy like China by cutting and peaking their emissions. They think they can get past her stubborn isolationism by changing her energy mix. Sure it’s a great strategy to get her by herself. He might even be able to pull a camera on her. But the danger there is a bitchy economy might have her own espionage, and some Vixen Pandas will be picking up on you without you even realizing it.

Still Blanc: In a situation like this I tend to favour a couple of black hawk neo maneuvers. You’ve got to assert dominance, right… Let’s get the two of you up here for a bit of role-play, c’mon Tony and Vlad, let’s see what you’re made of. Um. I didn’t mean that literally. You can leave your shirts on… Oh. Ok. Looks like we’re going for the shirtless direct play! Tones you be the girl. So Vlad, here’s this planned economy babe, she’s into shadow banking and neo tax avoidance. She doesn’t want to deal with derivatives. She wants to control your emissions and her globes are warming. What are you going to say to her Vlad?

Putin: ‘I have a fleet of warships bearing down on you’.

Blanc: ‘Ah Right. Ok Good. So you’re opening her with a command/challenge. I see you’ve got that laser eye-contact, staring her down. If you want to really give intensity to that, imagine you’re going to headbutt her to self-generate the powerful emotions she craves. This is going to cut her thoughts before they come in with panty-dropping masculinity. Tony, you’re the girl here, what would she say to Vlad?

Abbott: …

Blanc: Having some trouble? Tony? Tonneee? You’re not saying anything Tony?

Abbott: ‘Shit happens’

Blanc: ‘Ok. Um. How about you use some of my bitch lines: “I love dogs, I love cats. I’m a nurse because I like looking after people. I love blue and ironing. Coca-cola is my favourite drink. I like Pizza.”

Abbott: ‘Yeah, well, I think there does need to be give and take on both sides, and this idea that trade is kind of a country’s right to absolutely withhold, just as the idea that trade is a country’s right to demand I think they are both, they both need to be moderated, so to speak.’

Blanc: ‘Absolutely man! See Tony! Once you’ve really got these bitches figured you can become the Minister for Neowomen’s Affairs! We’ve got to break through that LMR – Last Minute Resistance. We all know free trade is such a panty peeler. To get the hottest of the hot you need to give her the right amount of economic roller coaster while assuring her about growth, free trade and economic governance. If you want to open a bitchy economy you’re going to need to say dog, and whistle her over. Then she just can’t control it. Masculine polarity radiating sex… I mean trade-worthiness. If you f*ck with that feminine energy, the whole world is like your pick up lab. You’ve got to set the rhythm. You’re cutting the threads. You’re putting yourself in a position of authority. You’re short-circuiting their emotional and logical mind. You’re just going to do Whatever The F*ck You’re Going To Do. And if you’re a White Male, you can do what you want … Goddamn … I’ve come in my pants again …

[Confusion].

Blanc: ‘Oh. Hello. There’s a woman in the room. I didn’t realize there were women delegates at a forum of world leaders. Weird! Come on up here. What’s your name?

‘Angela’

Blanc: ‘That’s a very pretty name Angela. Now guys watch me game her with my hook point. Do you like pizza and looking after people, Angela?’

Merkel: … ‘I want a renewable energy law amendment in which feed-in tariffs are not given up, that is an incentive to push things forward, but it will be necessary for those who get support for renewable energy to participate more in NATO, I mean, grid expansion, energy supply, storage and similar things.’

Blanc: ‘ … Hmm …um … Isn’t it on record from another world leader that you’re a bit of an unf*ckable lardarse. Let’s link this back to caveman time. Because guys from her perspective, it’s not in the visual, it’s in the behavioral, men are more attuned to the visual, women are attuned to the behavioral. How about a selfie? I’ll just put your head here, pfft, on my dick …

[pandemonium]

Ben Riley: ‘He’s out cold! You killed him you bitch! Julien? Julien! Please! No!’ [Sob]

Putin to Alexander Zakharchenko: ‘подобрать ноги , вытащить его , я хочу его для охотничьего трофея , австралийские интродуцированных видов’ [Transl. ‘pick up his feet, drag him out, I want him for a hunting trophy. Australian introduced species: White Male ’]

Zakharchenko to Putin: ‘хотят, чтобы положить его на стартовой позиции’ [Transl. ‘want us to put him with the others?’]

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Liz Conor

Liz Conor is a columnist at New Matilda and an ARC Future Fellow at La Trobe University. She is the author of Skin Deep: Settler Impressions of Aboriginal Women, [UWAP, 2016] and The Spectacular Modern Woman: Feminine Visibility in the 1920s [Indiana University Press, 2004]. She is editor of Aboriginal History and has published widely in academic and mainstream press on gender, race and representation.

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