The Transcript: Jacqui Lambie Declares War On 'Shari's Law', And The Queen's English


One of the really neat parts about our parliamentary democracy is that even stupid people get representation. Introducing Jacqui Lambie, the Palmer United Party Senator from Tasmania.

Lambie rocketed to national prominence recently after telling a Tasmanian radio station that as a single woman, she was looking for a man with a big penis and lots of money.

She’s managed to fly at similar heights in the last few weeks as well, offending the Aboriginal community of Tasmania by claiming Aboriginality, and then describing herself as a descendant of ‘Marlargena’… maybe she meant Mannalargenna?

Not content with upsetting her own countrymen, Lambie turned her attention to a quarter of the world’s population (Muslims), by posting a picture on her Facebook account of a woman in a burqa pointing a gun.

Naturally, Lambie used that as evidence for why the burqa should be banned. Because, you know, women will hide guns under their burqas, and shit.

The stunt blew up in Lambie’s face, literally. The picture is actually of an Afghan woman who carried the gun to defend herself from the Taliban. Lt Col Malalai Kakar was Afghanistan’s first female policewoman. With emphasis on the ‘was’ – she was assassinated by the Taliban while in the job.

Lambie told media she knew who Karkar was when she posted the picture (no-one believes her, of course), and then Lambie did what cocksure newbies to politics always do. She decided to dig herself out of an enormous hole by going on a serious news program to face actual real questions.

With shovel in hand, Lambie’s program of choice was ABC’s Insider’s program. And the outcome, as you might expect, was inevitable.

In an appearance scarily reminiscent of Pauline Hanson’s infamous ‘are you xenophobic?’ interview, Lambie was asked by host Barrie Cassidy: “What do you understand Sharia law to mean?”

Cue the train wreck.

Lambie: “Well I think um when it comes to um ‘Shari’ ‘Shari’ law um you know to me it’s um it’s ah it obviously involves terrorism. It it it involves a um a power that um is not a healthy power.”

By this stage, of course, Lambie’s heart was visibly beating in her rapidly rising and falling chest. And her eyes looked like dinner plates. And she looked like she was about to shit herself. And we’re about 10 seconds into the interview.

Cassidy forged on.

“In what way does it involve terrorism?” he asked.

Now, at this point, dear readers, I’m going to present you with a literal transcript of what followed. Why? Because while I consider myself fairly good at satire, I can’t compete with this sort of comedy. No-one can.

But please bear in mind that as you read this, some of the words Lambie used were not really words at all, and so I’ve substituted them with ‘sounds’ that more or less resemble what Lambie was apparently trying to say… including the word ‘Shari’ to represent ‘Sharia’ (which, admittedly, she managed to correctly pronounce halfway through the interview).

Over to Lambie…

Lambie: Well I just think that, you know, Sh ‘Shari’ law you get it mixed up in um, well it does, if you’re not going to show, if you’re going to be a supporter of Sharia law [deep breath]and you’re not going to support our Constitution and and and an allegiance to ourdt a Constitution and Australian law then um, you know it’s just a…

Cassidy: But they’re not saying they don’t support the Constitution. It… Sharia Law, it’s a religious framework. But Muslims in Australia, the moderate Muslims, don’t follow the extreme tenets of Sharia Law in the same way that that that Christians don’t take literally some of the violence that’s inherent in the Old Testament.

Lambie: Yes but I still think you know that you have that extremists when it comes to Shari Law and and that’s not good for the country whatsoever.

Cassidy: Well then why aren’t you urging Muslims not to accept the extreme elements of it? But by saying that if you reject Sharia Law full stop, you’re asking them to reject their religion.

Lambie: Well you know it’s it’s either one or the other. You you’re either an allegiance to um Australian law and show your allegiance to our Constitution um but you can’t have 50-50.

Cassidy: But are you saying though if they follow their faith, they have no place in Australia.

Lambie: That’s what I’m saying yes. If you’re an extremist towards Sharia Law then you have no place in Australia.

Cassidy: Do you have a problem with Muslims?

Lambie: No I don’t have a problem with Muslims. I have a problem with extremists and Sharia Law.

Cassidy: But you say you, that you reject would Sharia Law full stop. Not just the extreme elements of it.

Lambie: That’s correct.

Cassidy: So they would have to abandon their, their faith.

Lambie: Well there’s an issue with it right now. And what Lyle wanla see there is an allegian is their full allegian not 50 percent but a full allegiance to our Constitute to the Australian Constitution and the Australian law it is one law for all and that is the Australian law full stop.

Well said, Jacqui Lambie. Because, of course, the Australian Constitution doesn't say anything about freedom of religion.

Now if only we could get those chaste Shari’s Law women to shed their burqas, leave their marriages and start chasing rich men with big c**ks, just like you do, then Australian society could once more be returned to the level of civility that saw your claimed ancestors slaughtered and beheaded.

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