The Future's Bright With Tony Abbott

As John Lennon sang, “So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun”. This is a powerful reminder of just how badly John Lennon misread the calendar – obviously there were actually another six days of the year left.

Let’s not dwell on the tragic idiocy of musicians. The important point is that this year is, in fact, almost over, and a new year is indeed about to begin. 2014 is sure to contain many surprises – horrible, horrible surprises that will ruin all our lives.

Fortunately there is a way to avoid being caught on the hop by unexpected catastrophes in the new year: reading this, New Matilda’s exclusive Completely Accurate 2014 Timeline. Here are gathered all the significant events of next year, to keep you informed of just what’s looming ominously ahead.

1 January: Australia wakes up following New Year’s Eve celebration feeling a deep sense of shame at the decadence and waste of the night before. Millions of citizens stare into the mirror with hollow eyes wondering what became of their lives and what point there is in even going on.

2 January: See 1 January.

26 January: Australia celebrates Australia Day in particularly enthusiastic fashion after an historic ceremony at Parliament House in which indigenous leaders officially tell Prime Minister Tony Abbott that they are “over that silly invasion thing”. Peace and harmony erupt across the land as Australia’s native peoples agree as one to stop making us all feel bad. Further good news as pop-country sensation Taylor Swift is named Australian of the Year.

2 February: Treasurer Joe Hockey reveals that the budget emergency might be even worse than it was the last time it was even worse than he thought it had been previously.

10 February: Australian Submarine Corporation director Sophie Mirabella announces plans to construct a fleet of heavily armed nuclear submarines to fight asylum seekers.

14 February: On a special Valentine’s Day edition of the ABC’s Q&A, Germaine Greer finally proposes to Christopher Pyne.

20 February: Treasurer Joe Hockey warns that the budget is in such a terrible state he may be forced to start executing random citizens to make up the shortfall.

1 March: A major milestone as a bill to legalise same-sex marriage is introduced in Federal Parliament, but is defeated after Speaker Bronwyn Bishop ejects entire Opposition from the chamber on suspicion of poisoning her food. Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull expresses regret at the bill’s defeat, saying he believes in same-sex marriage so passionately he could almost vote for it.

12 March: Abbott travels to Indonesia, where he communicates via a series of expressive hand gestures and vigorous nodding that he thinks the Indonesian president is just adorable.

15 March: Greens officially adopt Stalinism as their party platform. Leader Christine Milne calls for armed revolution. Sarah Hanson-Young exiled to Mexico.

28 March: Asylum-seeker-hunting submarine fleet hits snag as Sophie Mirabella demands all subs be fitted with sun-roofs.

1 April: Prime Minister Abbott declares an ironclad commitment to be guided by the best advice of recognised experts and scientists in all policy decisions from now on.

20 April: Joe Hockey warns that next month’s budget will cause cancer.

25 April: Nation rocked on Anzac Day as new historical research comes to light indicating that World War I never actually happened.

3 May: Boatload of 132 asylum seekers arrives on Christmas Island. Immigration Minister Scott Morrison releases statement – “Time to get tough!” – and drafts legislation specifying that any immigrant arriving without a passport will have a cage full of rats fitted to their head.

13 May: Treasurer Hockey delivers his first Budget, regretfully revealing a deficit of $18 trillion that Labor had been hiding from him up until the previous day. Budget contains plans to reduce deficit by a number of cost-cutting measures, including massive Defence spending increases and a flock of flamingos for Gina Rinehart’s garden.

The Government also unveils a new climate change policy, under which trees will be offered gift vouchers in exchange for absorbing more carbon dioxide and miners will receive subsidised soap to wash their coal with. Hockey also announces plans to sell Warren Truss to Westpac and privatise Queensland to raise money to pay off the government’s debt, which he warns is growing so large it may soon develop sentience and begin hunting humans.

18 May: History is made in the AFL when Sydney Swans recruit Lance Franklin becomes the first man to release a line of designer underpants while taking a free kick.

5 June: Labor leader Bill Shorten calls numerous press gallery reporters to check whether any of them have seen him lately.

6 June: Government warns against drawing direct links to climate change after the hottest June day in record causes Graham Richardson to melt.

24 June: Bill Shorten calls press conference to demand that the government “come at him”.

30 June: Government launches stocktake sale: price of Menzies House stationery slashed.

2 July: Bill Shorten calls press conference to idly wonder what happened to his favourite tie.

18 July: Tony Abbott visits the US, causing a minor diplomatic incident by asking President Barack Obama if he is a chimney sweep. He proceeds to cause major diplomatic incident when found wandering the streets of New York at 3am wearing only his underpants. When apprehended, the PM gives his name as “Sergeant Sweetcheeks”.

2 August: With Prime Minister Abbott still overseas, a complex series of mishaps and coincidences causes Wyatt Roy to become Acting Prime Minister. Roy’s first act as PM is to criminalise friendzoning.

5 August: Human Rights Commissioner Tim Wilson announces a major victory for human rights as High Court rules it is legal to poke black people to see if they’re real.

21 August: Tony Abbott returns home and is immediately challenged to a balloon race by Bill Shorten.

30 August: Scott Morrison vows to put an end to the floods of illegal immigrants, and declares that anyone arriving on a boat will be forced to live in various reptile houses in Australian zoos.

10 September: Labor Party calls a spill of leadership positions after Deputy Leader Tanya Plibersek expresses doubts regarding Leader Bill Shorten’s proposal to bring down the government from the inside by joining the Liberal Party. Numerous candidates nominate for the leadership, but public is shocked when hot favourite Plibersek is defeated by rank outsider and folk-rock icon Angus Stone. Stone states intention to “re-energise the Labor Party” but is almost immediately ejected from parliament for not wearing shoes.

27 September: AFL Grand Final is won by the Gold Coast Suns, who defeat Collingwood 45.15.285 to 1.6.12 in a match marred by the unexpected advent of the rapture during the third quarter.

4 October: NRL Grand Final called off after league CEO Dave Smith informs the public that he finds competition “distasteful” and that from now on everyone is a winner.

17 October: A fiery parliamentary session sees a brawl break out on government backbenches as MPs come to blows over who gets to ask Joe Hockey what the government is doing to bring a twinkle back to our eyes.

Taking advantage of the confusion, Manager of Opposition Business Tony Burke attacks Bronwyn Bishop with a sword. Parliament House burns down in the confusion. Tony Abbott calls press conference to announce that he has already answered everyone’s questions. The national capital moves briefly to Toowoomba, then back to Canberra. Burke is last seen fleeing into the hills, naked and clutching Bishop’s severed bun.

1 November: Governor-General John Howard declares war on Chile, and the Government decides to humour him. Public servants are enlisted to deliver fictional battle reports to him each day.

4 November: The “race that stops a nation”, the Melbourne Cup, comes to a surprising conclusion after the horses rise up against their tormentors and slaughter tens of thousands of racegoers at Flemington. Newly appointed Opposition Leader Natalie Bassingthwaighte accuses the government of being soft on horses, but Tony Abbott points the finger at the Rudd-Gillard government’s publicly funded “train horses to use handguns” scheme, devised as an economic stimulus during the Global Financial Crisis.

11 November: Solemn Remembrance Day service at Parliament House is ruined when Governor-General John Howard opens fire on assembled veterans.

15 November: Immigration Minister Scott Morrison claims droit du seigneur over all asylum seekers.

29 November: Opposition Leader Anthony Mundine is deposed after punching the Queen, and replaced by firebrand hero of the left, Vince Sorrenti.

7 December: Tony Abbott calls a press conference to declare that his government is the best government ever. This is enshrined in legislation later that day.

17 December: Government mining industry liaisons reveal that their studies show that climate change is not responsible for recent bushfires which caused South Australia to break loose from the continent.

24 December: Joe Hockey reveals he has been visited by three ghosts who told him the budget is going to be even worse.

25 December: Jesus returns to Earth.

27 December: Jesus challenges for post of Opposition Leader but is defeated by high-profile journalist Leigh Sales.

30 December: Indonesia successfully invades Australia. Tony Abbott calls a press conference to explain how excited he is about the new era for Australia as an Indonesian province. Opposition Leader Bindi Irwin agrees.

26 January 2015: Indonesia Day celebrated around the country. Indonesian of the Year awarded to Dick Smith.

19 March 2015: Clive Palmer activates secret chip in animatronic dinosaurs, leading his prehistoric robot army to victory over the occupying forces, driving the Indonesians off Australian soil. Palmer made President for Life of Australia.

21 March 2015: President Clive Palmer calls press conference to announce that he believes himself to be an ostrich. Nation gives up, goes back to bed.